the mahogany sessions

people who knows me, they would know what kind of music i listen to. slow, soulful, heartfelt - songs that give me chills. the artists who got lost in their songs, i adore them. adore like crazy love them. god, i'm like serious right now.

i found a great channel on youtube - the mahogany sessions. i love every single sessions they filmed. ugly (not) people playing great music, oh so erh amazing. these artists are really amazing, really really good. go through the channel, i let you be the judge. but i know in the end you'd know i'm right...



these artists actually saved most of my days, they saved me.

she's fucking gorgeous, isn't she?

oh her?

you want her...

blink once, if you're kidding.

blink twice to tell me you're not.

ok, so you blinked twice.

let's do that again...shall we?

blink once, if you're fucking around.

blink twice, if you're not.

(he blinked twice)

her? really? her?

where do we start with her?

gosh, you tried so hard, didn't you?

to get to her, to break her wall.

you failed, i see.

trust me, my friend...

you're not the first.

many have failed, before you. 

but what's impressing me...

you're here, persisting.

not a quitter, are you?

i think we should celebrate now...

(he laughed)

oh her? i love her.

but...(god!) she's a miserable fuck.

she is, behind that gorgeous face...

her mind, her soul...fucked up.

i asked her, before, you know...

"aren't you tired of being sad?"

she just sat there...

jaded, we were at the time.

they said...

even best friends have secrets.

but even so, i can read her.

i know her like the back of my hands.

she's an addict.

and i wish it was to drugs,

or alcohol,

or something that simple...

but it's not.

she's addicted to her sadness.

that terrifies the shit outta me...

there's no cure for that kind of shit, right?

dude...

are you sure this is what you want?

(he quivered)

you're panicking...

you can't, can you?

your eyes,

you're fucking scared.

(silent)

she's fucking gorgeous, isn't she?

the way she moves,

the way her eyes seduced you?

oh i know, i know too well.

people, we don't choose pain.

but life is so wonderfully terrible,

we were given blind hope.

so pain, it's inevitable.

her? she got soaked in it.

the melancholy of it all, 

she thinks it's beautiful...

which is really disturbing, don't you think?

(he looked down)

i don't want you to judge her.

you know,

we're all pretty bizarre.

we're all a little weird.

the difference between her, you and me...

she flaunts it, and we don't.

some of us are just better at hiding it...

some of us just don't...that's all.

the stranger.

on the 8th, i did something i didn't know i could do, again. the first time i did something similar was in 2005 - i told a close friend that i was into him. i've to admit what i did back then was wrong because i was with someone else at the time - but i wanted to know, i wanted to see his reaction. if he'd have said yes, it would be messy, because i didn't have a plan. but he didn't - he saved me from all the troubles. if i knew what i know today, i would convinced him harder because the guy i was with wasn't worth it after all.

"i tau i maybe lambat nak cakap this but it was really nice meeting you (2 years back?) and that i feel like i want to know more of you, if you don't mind. tapi kalau you rasa funny about (all) this - just let me know - and we can forget that this happened (omg this is funny). so, what do you want to do?"

that was the second message i sent him after the "can i ask you something?" initiator. if i were him, i would freak out - it was just too straight forward, even the blinds know this. but he made it so nice and pleasant. he replied, "...U such a comel girl jugak rupenyer erk hahhaha...Of course it was great meeting u last 2 years...". he also said that he didn't mind at all which of course was a typical gentlemen answer but i appreciated it nontheless - it calmed the storm in me that i had since the morning.

i was happy i did that - i was swelling with proud. i didn't know where i got the courage, but it was there, at its peak. we exchanged messages for three days - but then he went, "...until then, keep in touch buddy!" - that was when i knew exactly where he was going with this and i was a little upset. so my reply to that was "i do want to keep in touch. here's my number 0166xxxxx5 - save it or don't, it's really up to you. until then, be safe and take care". and with that he gave me his.

i know it's never going to be easy...i know that. right now i really don't know what i should do next. i know one thing though, i don't want to freak him out even more than i already did - i want to be able to talk to him on rainy days (one day) and not feel awkward around him if we do ended up being closer friends. so maybe...i should take a step backward for now, give myself time to recover from this (it's painful, i can't deny...) - and just focusing on getting to know him better. it's not like we're communicating right now, but i want to try again once i've recovered and trust myself enough to not screw things up deeper. one day, one day, insyaallah.

i'm having mixed feelings about this. half of me is relieved and happy - the other part is dejected and hollowed. "hey i'm so proud of you, you really tried you know. at least now you wonder no more...", they said. yes, i wonder no more - that's the good part, right? but...the thing is, i really like him - and it has been like that for more than a year. i thought after i left KL, he would be just another forgotten memory, but he's still around - the thoughts of him are still around. i don't want to feel miserable, i'm not supposed to but he's like a dream - and it really sucks to know that i've made it even harder for me to get there, you know? it really sucks.

when i told her yesterday, i knew she understood. at a much younger age, she's...(well) a lot more experienced than me in the area. "sissy, look at it this way. right now, even if he wants to pretend that this never happened, he can't. you made him noticed you, you boggled him for a bit there. even if he wants to keep playing strangers  he knows that you happened. now the card is his to play, you just need to sit back - and watch it walk to you or away from you. if it's meant to be, it will be...you know this, ok?" 

i know, yes i'm pretty sure i know this.

let's talk.

regret for the wrong reason


"you regret it for the wrong reason, you know that?"

"what wrong reason?"

"let say you're really hungry, and there was nothing but a can of cat food; with no car - nothing you could do to get food...so you ate it. it tasted funny, sure - but you finished it anyway."

"..."

"...then you looked at the can only to find out that it had expired - the reason why it tasted funny."

"this better go somewhere..."

"you threw rage as you started regretting the fact that you just ate a can of cat food, mad at your mother for not leaving food for you, which was the wrong reason."

"then what is the right reason?"

"that you didn't bother to check the expiry date first before you eat."


speed and weight


"drive faster, please. you're going 50 per hour, that's slow!"

"you know, that speedometer reminds me so much of the timbang back home. like i don't want it to go too high."

"..."

"look at it, look. tell me i'm wrong?"

"dude, we're late. please don't do this, not now!"

"ok ok. calm your tits down, we're not THAT late."

"shut up."

"ok grumpy..."

"..."

"..."

"...but i guess u're right. it does look like a timbang."

"yes thank you. now you're as freakish as me..."

insanity is all of us.

i have an uncle - my mom big brother - who is mentally ill. he was fine before he knocked his head on something hard years ago in a road accident. he had a wife, a daughter - but they left; the wife got remarried a few times (i heard). he is now living with my grandmother and he is the funniest uncle i've ever had, literally.

it was just a random thought of him - that got me here, writing about him. i'm not really sure what is it to write about my 'crazy' uncle who had once thrown three good punches at me in the nose, and left me with blue-black nose for days. he was scary when he missed taking pills - he would randomly attacked anyone, and yelled stuff that we couldn't understand. i remember once he had chase my pregnant aunt down the street. if the scene were from a movie, i would think that it was funny - but it was really horrifying.

"he used to be really good looking. girls swarmed over him...", they said, many times. 

he's not scary anymore, he's just funny. he works at a nearby thrift store now because he needs the money to buy cigarettes - my grandmother wouldn't give him money some times. he would come home wearing clothes he 'thrift-ed' from the store. "these are pretty cheap actually - staff discount!" he declared when i asked. the mustard colored corduroy khaki pants caught my eyes that day, so i had to ask. he was pairing them with a tucked in stripey blue shirt. he looked like one of those stylish parisian men - a really out of shape one that is.

i don't know why i'm writing about him but like all the posts i wrote, i want to remember. i want to remember him. people cared for him when he was the popular kid but they left when he needed them the most - they never look back. not even the daughter he often talked about, not even her. i can't say i was there all the time, or that i will be there when he'll need me - but i know he deserves as much attention, if not more. i feel sorry we didn't include him in family gatherings, most of the time - we should. 

in the midst of our party laughter, we forgot important things; we forgot important people - and in this case we'd forgotten family. i can't point my finger because i, too, am ignorant.

"hey you cut your hair - playboy style..." he said. 
i looked up at him, "what playboy style?"
"your hair. i used to have the same hair style too. now i'm just bald..." he played with his bald head - looking all too innocent.
"tomboy you mean?" someone interrupted.
"yeah yeah tomboy. i couldn't find the word, not playboy. tomboy!" we all laughed at this. he continued, "i'm sorry about that. i'd gotten into upper 6, and that was it. my education background isn't impressive."
"upper 6 is impressive...," someone said.
"nah i don't think so..." i heard him say before he walked away.

little sister.

my sister, she's back to further her degree here. it was more of the parents' idea so she wasn't happy. she had to leave her life, the 'lover' and the friends behind. she has grown darker, and a little chunkier ... so that makes it worst. i really thought that i could understand whatever this is but who am i fucking kidding?! she's only 19 - hormonal, stubborn, rebellious, dramatic, sensitive, emotional and ... in love. there was only so much i could put into that head of hers before she started dwelling again. not now, she would be ok but not now.

i let her talked. since she got home, we'd had countless moments together where i let her talked. she would stared into the thin air, as if playing with the memories in her head as she went on.  and then she would smiled, laughed ... grinned. everytime she talked of her new 'lover' or friends and how they made her the happiest, i could immediately see her tired eyes gleamed. but as much as she tried to hide it, i noticed how her voice cracked. sadness, right now she's filled with them.

i'm swallowing hard, it's hard to digest. i watched a lot of depressing movies, but this, this pain is real. the darkness is seeping into me fast. i don't know how to get in, i really have no clue. it's heavier because somehow i feel responsible for her and i don't want to let anyone down.

the fact that sadness isn't permanent, relaxed me a little. they said, "feel the pain, don't run from it because a pain is a lesson". so what do i make from that? i think, when you're sad, go do something you love passionately. don't do it to get over the feeling but to soak in it. it's bittersweet to be in it for its purpose, but know that sadness has a way of making you see clearer, makes you stronger. put faith in it, and see where things go from there.

i think i'm overthinking, again. i should let it go for now.

i feel like something has changed for me, but it’s a new change, so it’s going to be hard for me to describe. maybe it has something to do with turning 30. i don’t feel as shy or nervous or self-conscious. i have more confidence that i can handle what life brings me. i don’t feel scared to have an idea and express it. i feel giddy about it because it’s a complete transformation. it’s like i’ve found my voice. - michelle williams

i love her so much, i want to be her - be just like her.

this is too long.

“it is so hard to leave - until you leave. and then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.” ― john green

facebook has this app that people use to find friends using their email addresses, so this morning i decided to give it a try. that went on for a while - and after i was done i realized i had send a total of 273 invites. i'm not even kidding, dude! that was a reality and yes, it tasted weird to me too. this never happened before - this whole idea of inviting people who are not really friends with you to be your FB buddy - i was never keen of that. in fact, i had never wanted to send one, unless necessary or i was forced really really hard - except for that one time. that one exception when i sent a request to a guy whom i was crushing really hard at the time (i still do)...

what happened this morning, happened so fast - the "oh i know this guy, he was from WK. we talked a few times..."; the "oh that girl from OS class, she looks happy..."; or the "oh hello you! i found you..." - in less than 30 minutes, all of that happened 273 times. i'm not sure what it was that did "that" to me this morning, but i know that it wasn't for fame, right? if fame was the one causing me the warmness and those silly grins, then i would love to do it for fame over and over again - because it sure felt nice. 

i am happy, content. i guess when you're happy, something struck that soft spot in you that was hidden too long in your soul's darkest alley. but me, soft? no way, i'm never soft, i'm just not that rigid anymore. and, my now fading big ego has finally got it right. it tells me that i'm not always right/hard/strong and i don't always have to be so walled.

i'm still having difficulty trusting people but i'm finding my way. i didn't think it was possible for me to do what i did this morning, but that happened, didn't it? i'm positive that i'm better today than i was a year back and that means a lot to me - i won't let it go.

this place it used to haunt me, scaring every bit of me and it was hard to leave the "good life" i'd built for too long for this old place. but i can tell you now that i was actually wrong, really wrong. this old place gives me the best kind of hugs, like ever. it helps change the way i look at things and at the same time makes me sweeter, stronger, better - thus, happier. 

too soon had i forgotten about the "good life", the life that thought me how to be hard on people, on myself. the life that had me moving all the time - just so i'd fulfil my needy empty soul. too many times, i'd ended up too exhausted and fell asleep too soon to even reflect on myself, leaving me with the same empty soul to start the next day with, again and again. looking back, i think if it weren't for my friends i probably would have lost it, completely. it is also humbling to know that i had the best kind of support system, and that made everything so much easier. friends, they are the only entities i've miss from that place - they are after all my saviours.

so this version of me, i think it should stick around - as a fertilizer that helps me grow even "taller". i think i know exactly what i need to make it stay. it's simple, but it's powerful beyond words. it taught me patience, stopped me when i wandered too far, and reminded me to breathe when i needed to. in 2004, i had an obsession with this thing called the inner peace - my windows login ID was MyInnerpeace, my password too; i even had that as my blog title/url - i was literally a walking mascot of the word. the thing is, back then i had no idea what it really was; not until now. i feel it, warm and "wangi" as the cotton duvet fresh from the dryer. and that one thing that brought me here, that one simple yet powerful thing - faith.