this is too long.

“it is so hard to leave - until you leave. and then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.” ― john green

facebook has this app that people use to find friends using their email addresses, so this morning i decided to give it a try. that went on for a while - and after i was done i realized i had send a total of 273 invites. i'm not even kidding, dude! that was a reality and yes, it tasted weird to me too. this never happened before - this whole idea of inviting people who are not really friends with you to be your FB buddy - i was never keen of that. in fact, i had never wanted to send one, unless necessary or i was forced really really hard - except for that one time. that one exception when i sent a request to a guy whom i was crushing really hard at the time (i still do)...

what happened this morning, happened so fast - the "oh i know this guy, he was from WK. we talked a few times..."; the "oh that girl from OS class, she looks happy..."; or the "oh hello you! i found you..." - in less than 30 minutes, all of that happened 273 times. i'm not sure what it was that did "that" to me this morning, but i know that it wasn't for fame, right? if fame was the one causing me the warmness and those silly grins, then i would love to do it for fame over and over again - because it sure felt nice. 

i am happy, content. i guess when you're happy, something struck that soft spot in you that was hidden too long in your soul's darkest alley. but me, soft? no way, i'm never soft, i'm just not that rigid anymore. and, my now fading big ego has finally got it right. it tells me that i'm not always right/hard/strong and i don't always have to be so walled.

i'm still having difficulty trusting people but i'm finding my way. i didn't think it was possible for me to do what i did this morning, but that happened, didn't it? i'm positive that i'm better today than i was a year back and that means a lot to me - i won't let it go.

this place it used to haunt me, scaring every bit of me and it was hard to leave the "good life" i'd built for too long for this old place. but i can tell you now that i was actually wrong, really wrong. this old place gives me the best kind of hugs, like ever. it helps change the way i look at things and at the same time makes me sweeter, stronger, better - thus, happier. 

too soon had i forgotten about the "good life", the life that thought me how to be hard on people, on myself. the life that had me moving all the time - just so i'd fulfil my needy empty soul. too many times, i'd ended up too exhausted and fell asleep too soon to even reflect on myself, leaving me with the same empty soul to start the next day with, again and again. looking back, i think if it weren't for my friends i probably would have lost it, completely. it is also humbling to know that i had the best kind of support system, and that made everything so much easier. friends, they are the only entities i've miss from that place - they are after all my saviours.

so this version of me, i think it should stick around - as a fertilizer that helps me grow even "taller". i think i know exactly what i need to make it stay. it's simple, but it's powerful beyond words. it taught me patience, stopped me when i wandered too far, and reminded me to breathe when i needed to. in 2004, i had an obsession with this thing called the inner peace - my windows login ID was MyInnerpeace, my password too; i even had that as my blog title/url - i was literally a walking mascot of the word. the thing is, back then i had no idea what it really was; not until now. i feel it, warm and "wangi" as the cotton duvet fresh from the dryer. and that one thing that brought me here, that one simple yet powerful thing - faith.