insanity is all of us.

i have an uncle - my mom big brother - who is mentally ill. he was fine before he knocked his head on something hard years ago in a road accident. he had a wife, a daughter - but they left; the wife got remarried a few times (i heard). he is now living with my grandmother and he is the funniest uncle i've ever had, literally.

it was just a random thought of him - that got me here, writing about him. i'm not really sure what is it to write about my 'crazy' uncle who had once thrown three good punches at me in the nose, and left me with blue-black nose for days. he was scary when he missed taking pills - he would randomly attacked anyone, and yelled stuff that we couldn't understand. i remember once he had chase my pregnant aunt down the street. if the scene were from a movie, i would think that it was funny - but it was really horrifying.

"he used to be really good looking. girls swarmed over him...", they said, many times. 

he's not scary anymore, he's just funny. he works at a nearby thrift store now because he needs the money to buy cigarettes - my grandmother wouldn't give him money some times. he would come home wearing clothes he 'thrift-ed' from the store. "these are pretty cheap actually - staff discount!" he declared when i asked. the mustard colored corduroy khaki pants caught my eyes that day, so i had to ask. he was pairing them with a tucked in stripey blue shirt. he looked like one of those stylish parisian men - a really out of shape one that is.

i don't know why i'm writing about him but like all the posts i wrote, i want to remember. i want to remember him. people cared for him when he was the popular kid but they left when he needed them the most - they never look back. not even the daughter he often talked about, not even her. i can't say i was there all the time, or that i will be there when he'll need me - but i know he deserves as much attention, if not more. i feel sorry we didn't include him in family gatherings, most of the time - we should. 

in the midst of our party laughter, we forgot important things; we forgot important people - and in this case we'd forgotten family. i can't point my finger because i, too, am ignorant.

"hey you cut your hair - playboy style..." he said. 
i looked up at him, "what playboy style?"
"your hair. i used to have the same hair style too. now i'm just bald..." he played with his bald head - looking all too innocent.
"tomboy you mean?" someone interrupted.
"yeah yeah tomboy. i couldn't find the word, not playboy. tomboy!" we all laughed at this. he continued, "i'm sorry about that. i'd gotten into upper 6, and that was it. my education background isn't impressive."
"upper 6 is impressive...," someone said.
"nah i don't think so..." i heard him say before he walked away.

little sister.

my sister, she's back to further her degree here. it was more of the parents' idea so she wasn't happy. she had to leave her life, the 'lover' and the friends behind. she has grown darker, and a little chunkier ... so that makes it worst. i really thought that i could understand whatever this is but who am i fucking kidding?! she's only 19 - hormonal, stubborn, rebellious, dramatic, sensitive, emotional and ... in love. there was only so much i could put into that head of hers before she started dwelling again. not now, she would be ok but not now.

i let her talked. since she got home, we'd had countless moments together where i let her talked. she would stared into the thin air, as if playing with the memories in her head as she went on.  and then she would smiled, laughed ... grinned. everytime she talked of her new 'lover' or friends and how they made her the happiest, i could immediately see her tired eyes gleamed. but as much as she tried to hide it, i noticed how her voice cracked. sadness, right now she's filled with them.

i'm swallowing hard, it's hard to digest. i watched a lot of depressing movies, but this, this pain is real. the darkness is seeping into me fast. i don't know how to get in, i really have no clue. it's heavier because somehow i feel responsible for her and i don't want to let anyone down.

the fact that sadness isn't permanent, relaxed me a little. they said, "feel the pain, don't run from it because a pain is a lesson". so what do i make from that? i think, when you're sad, go do something you love passionately. don't do it to get over the feeling but to soak in it. it's bittersweet to be in it for its purpose, but know that sadness has a way of making you see clearer, makes you stronger. put faith in it, and see where things go from there.

i think i'm overthinking, again. i should let it go for now.

i feel like something has changed for me, but it’s a new change, so it’s going to be hard for me to describe. maybe it has something to do with turning 30. i don’t feel as shy or nervous or self-conscious. i have more confidence that i can handle what life brings me. i don’t feel scared to have an idea and express it. i feel giddy about it because it’s a complete transformation. it’s like i’ve found my voice. - michelle williams

i love her so much, i want to be her - be just like her.

this is too long.

“it is so hard to leave - until you leave. and then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world.” ― john green

facebook has this app that people use to find friends using their email addresses, so this morning i decided to give it a try. that went on for a while - and after i was done i realized i had send a total of 273 invites. i'm not even kidding, dude! that was a reality and yes, it tasted weird to me too. this never happened before - this whole idea of inviting people who are not really friends with you to be your FB buddy - i was never keen of that. in fact, i had never wanted to send one, unless necessary or i was forced really really hard - except for that one time. that one exception when i sent a request to a guy whom i was crushing really hard at the time (i still do)...

what happened this morning, happened so fast - the "oh i know this guy, he was from WK. we talked a few times..."; the "oh that girl from OS class, she looks happy..."; or the "oh hello you! i found you..." - in less than 30 minutes, all of that happened 273 times. i'm not sure what it was that did "that" to me this morning, but i know that it wasn't for fame, right? if fame was the one causing me the warmness and those silly grins, then i would love to do it for fame over and over again - because it sure felt nice. 

i am happy, content. i guess when you're happy, something struck that soft spot in you that was hidden too long in your soul's darkest alley. but me, soft? no way, i'm never soft, i'm just not that rigid anymore. and, my now fading big ego has finally got it right. it tells me that i'm not always right/hard/strong and i don't always have to be so walled.

i'm still having difficulty trusting people but i'm finding my way. i didn't think it was possible for me to do what i did this morning, but that happened, didn't it? i'm positive that i'm better today than i was a year back and that means a lot to me - i won't let it go.

this place it used to haunt me, scaring every bit of me and it was hard to leave the "good life" i'd built for too long for this old place. but i can tell you now that i was actually wrong, really wrong. this old place gives me the best kind of hugs, like ever. it helps change the way i look at things and at the same time makes me sweeter, stronger, better - thus, happier. 

too soon had i forgotten about the "good life", the life that thought me how to be hard on people, on myself. the life that had me moving all the time - just so i'd fulfil my needy empty soul. too many times, i'd ended up too exhausted and fell asleep too soon to even reflect on myself, leaving me with the same empty soul to start the next day with, again and again. looking back, i think if it weren't for my friends i probably would have lost it, completely. it is also humbling to know that i had the best kind of support system, and that made everything so much easier. friends, they are the only entities i've miss from that place - they are after all my saviours.

so this version of me, i think it should stick around - as a fertilizer that helps me grow even "taller". i think i know exactly what i need to make it stay. it's simple, but it's powerful beyond words. it taught me patience, stopped me when i wandered too far, and reminded me to breathe when i needed to. in 2004, i had an obsession with this thing called the inner peace - my windows login ID was MyInnerpeace, my password too; i even had that as my blog title/url - i was literally a walking mascot of the word. the thing is, back then i had no idea what it really was; not until now. i feel it, warm and "wangi" as the cotton duvet fresh from the dryer. and that one thing that brought me here, that one simple yet powerful thing - faith. 

i had to fix it. i'm like obsess. i'll stop.

and my room is a great place to take pictures. i should do some sort of documentation with pictures taken in my room. 

i shall think about that.

the father.

when i was little, he used to cut my hair all the time. so, today i decided i want him to cut my hair, he was reluctant, but i insisted of course. he agreed.

the result - it was actually better than what i anticipated but i'm not gonna keep it for long. the bangs, too short and the back looks a little weird. but we had fun - we feed off each other's laughter. 

"you know i used to cut your hair all the time, when you were smaller, ..." he said. 

"i know, that is why i want you to cut my hair today," i gleamed. "...plus, i take whatever that is...free, because i'm broke." 

as he continued, we talked, we laughed. he pushed my head, hard, more than once because he claimed i moved too much. the moment made me the little me, and it felt really nice.

he was really determined, at one point. i could see his awkward hands moved everywhere, and his sweaty face was dead serious. the wind was strong, and i knew it made the task harder but he was so into it he didn't seem to care. my father has always been the coolest guy i've known and what he did today, how he gave in so much efforts, made him even more cooler. it even made his awkward hands looked cool. 

it took him almost two hours when he finally stopped, "i think it's done..." he chuckled. "i used to be okay at this, but, i don't think i can do it anymore."

he patted my shoulder, and laughed. he laughed hard.

first meeting.

they dragged me along, without warning. the managing directors, directors, engineers, executives, secretaries - they were all there. casual, lots of laughters, friendships - good vibe.

but they talked about PORTS - logistic, cargo, revenue, etc. ... and they did it in chinese. yes, that's right, they spoke chinese ... no, not all the time, just ... most of it.

so they told me to observe as i would be attending meetings like this, often. and so i did. i observed the way the MD squinted his nose when he asked questions; the way the financial director played with his ring when he talked; and that the guy next to me laughed  the loudest. yes, i observed the meeting, but i don't know if i did it right.

erm, this is interesting. my new job is interesting.

this critical time of my life, i want to always feel this way, forever.

"anything over RM10 is expensive. oh wait, anything over free is expensive."

january 2012 : this year is gonna be my year. 
december 2012 : i tried.

but this year, i did try harder. and i'm in a much better place. so, here's to 2013; it's so gonna be my year!

haha.

for the first time, in a very long time, i'm working on my plans. bigger (than usual) plans. and for the first time in like forever, i'm assured that these plans i've made are supported by the most important people in my life. and i'm excited.

not going to put any expectations, yet. i just have to get into them first. talk to you about that later.

note: i'm still bothered a little about what happened last saturday though. i don't know why!

meeting the devil?

at first, i was surprisingly happy, and was actually pretty psyched ... until i realized we were not there alone. it got pretty awkward so fast that my breathing became shorter and it suffocated me. and in that 30 seconds of awkwardness, i actually  ran out of things to look at because i tried so hard to avoid everyone's gaze. i'm pretty sure i looked so stupid.

i missed him. i realized that when i saw his face again. he looked good, as always. and thank god i took my time to polished up before leaving the house. so at least we were equally sharp looking, leaving us with no room to mock at each others fashion choices. instead, it left us stuttering words as if we were mentally disabled.

"... be nonchalant", i told myself. the butterflies, they were there too - not helping at all.

i know this guy; even in weird situations he would always display that smirk on his face that made him look cool. but tonight, i didn't see the smirk, and he didn't look cool at all. i couldn't tell what it was, because it was so rare to me. it was as rare as the probability of us meeting again, like that, here, in MY part of the world. it was just so random.

i didn't want to be weird so before i made my exit, i tried small friendly talks. somehow i felt like i was pushed into the scene to make it okay; to make us okay. to have a closure? maybe not yet (or ever) but at least we're talking again, right? honestly, i barely made it alive out of that awkwardness. the look on my father's face was so discomforting, i had to cut it short. so i smiled politely before i left the scene - pretending to be busy.

but that look on his face, it churned my guts, weaken my knees. it left me with trembling knees and questions in my head when i locked myself in the fitting room. i needed my answer, i wanted to understand, so i literally ran out of the room, got out of the shop, wandering around looking. looking for that face again, searching for that look. i was being obvious too. my parents were panting to keep up with me, and i kept my eyes wander like there's no tomorrow.

it was kinda like the typical cheesy hollywood scene where someone would chase after the other one at the airport; as the chaser would do these stupid illogical things, making scenes, creating unnecessary airport's drama; and at the same time the other one would suddenly realized that they belong with each other, started to freak out, and does stupid things too. they would somehow, find their way back into each others arms and have their happily ever after ending. but ... fortunately that didn't happen (not even close) - i didn't get to see him again and get my answer; i didn't get to say how glad i was to see him and that i have a new number. i didn't even get to say goodbye.

true, it would be great if we could talk longer. but seriously, i'm actually grateful that it didn't happen. would i get my answer if i did see him again? would it be less awkward? would the goodbye taste better? i don't know. and i'm glad that i don't know. it has been 4 months, since we last spoke. he seems happier now, and i know that i am. why would i let that go to waste just because of my never ending curiosity towards this guy? we're happy, and people love us. we're SEPARATELY happy, and for once in a very long time i can finally say ... we made it. WE FINALLY MADE IT!