little sister.

my sister, she's back to further her degree here. it was more of the parents' idea so she wasn't happy. she had to leave her life, the 'lover' and the friends behind. she has grown darker, and a little chunkier ... so that makes it worst. i really thought that i could understand whatever this is but who am i fucking kidding?! she's only 19 - hormonal, stubborn, rebellious, dramatic, sensitive, emotional and ... in love. there was only so much i could put into that head of hers before she started dwelling again. not now, she would be ok but not now.

i let her talked. since she got home, we'd had countless moments together where i let her talked. she would stared into the thin air, as if playing with the memories in her head as she went on.  and then she would smiled, laughed ... grinned. everytime she talked of her new 'lover' or friends and how they made her the happiest, i could immediately see her tired eyes gleamed. but as much as she tried to hide it, i noticed how her voice cracked. sadness, right now she's filled with them.

i'm swallowing hard, it's hard to digest. i watched a lot of depressing movies, but this, this pain is real. the darkness is seeping into me fast. i don't know how to get in, i really have no clue. it's heavier because somehow i feel responsible for her and i don't want to let anyone down.

the fact that sadness isn't permanent, relaxed me a little. they said, "feel the pain, don't run from it because a pain is a lesson". so what do i make from that? i think, when you're sad, go do something you love passionately. don't do it to get over the feeling but to soak in it. it's bittersweet to be in it for its purpose, but know that sadness has a way of making you see clearer, makes you stronger. put faith in it, and see where things go from there.

i think i'm overthinking, again. i should let it go for now.