the stranger.

on the 8th, i did something i didn't know i could do, again. the first time i did something similar was in 2005 - i told a close friend that i was into him. i've to admit what i did back then was wrong because i was with someone else at the time - but i wanted to know, i wanted to see his reaction. if he'd have said yes, it would be messy, because i didn't have a plan. but he didn't - he saved me from all the troubles. if i knew what i know today, i would convinced him harder because the guy i was with wasn't worth it after all.

"i tau i maybe lambat nak cakap this but it was really nice meeting you (2 years back?) and that i feel like i want to know more of you, if you don't mind. tapi kalau you rasa funny about (all) this - just let me know - and we can forget that this happened (omg this is funny). so, what do you want to do?"

that was the second message i sent him after the "can i ask you something?" initiator. if i were him, i would freak out - it was just too straight forward, even the blinds know this. but he made it so nice and pleasant. he replied, "...U such a comel girl jugak rupenyer erk hahhaha...Of course it was great meeting u last 2 years...". he also said that he didn't mind at all which of course was a typical gentlemen answer but i appreciated it nontheless - it calmed the storm in me that i had since the morning.

i was happy i did that - i was swelling with proud. i didn't know where i got the courage, but it was there, at its peak. we exchanged messages for three days - but then he went, "...until then, keep in touch buddy!" - that was when i knew exactly where he was going with this and i was a little upset. so my reply to that was "i do want to keep in touch. here's my number 0166xxxxx5 - save it or don't, it's really up to you. until then, be safe and take care". and with that he gave me his.

i know it's never going to be easy...i know that. right now i really don't know what i should do next. i know one thing though, i don't want to freak him out even more than i already did - i want to be able to talk to him on rainy days (one day) and not feel awkward around him if we do ended up being closer friends. so maybe...i should take a step backward for now, give myself time to recover from this (it's painful, i can't deny...) - and just focusing on getting to know him better. it's not like we're communicating right now, but i want to try again once i've recovered and trust myself enough to not screw things up deeper. one day, one day, insyaallah.

i'm having mixed feelings about this. half of me is relieved and happy - the other part is dejected and hollowed. "hey i'm so proud of you, you really tried you know. at least now you wonder no more...", they said. yes, i wonder no more - that's the good part, right? but...the thing is, i really like him - and it has been like that for more than a year. i thought after i left KL, he would be just another forgotten memory, but he's still around - the thoughts of him are still around. i don't want to feel miserable, i'm not supposed to but he's like a dream - and it really sucks to know that i've made it even harder for me to get there, you know? it really sucks.

when i told her yesterday, i knew she understood. at a much younger age, she's...(well) a lot more experienced than me in the area. "sissy, look at it this way. right now, even if he wants to pretend that this never happened, he can't. you made him noticed you, you boggled him for a bit there. even if he wants to keep playing strangers  he knows that you happened. now the card is his to play, you just need to sit back - and watch it walk to you or away from you. if it's meant to be, it will be...you know this, ok?" 

i know, yes i'm pretty sure i know this.