what to expect when you're expecting?

expectations are funny things. you waste so much time guessing what your life could look like. but the thing is, you can't really know what's in store for you until the day you open your eyes and see it, to experience it.

expectations are funny things. they make you believe in things that would often turned out very differently than what you wanted; making you crave for more because of the unfilled expectations. yes, we've all been there; we've all done that.

when i was younger, i was annoyingly positive about everything, and so unafraid to dream big. i expected the best out of everything. i just didn't expect that expectations, ... (well) they bite.

it's a crazy world out there. people were expected to be good to each other, but look at how that one turned out, hu? the leaders were expected to lead people to better places, but i can't count on that either, can i? oh how funny when we expect people to do stuff that we find ourselves struggling with, sometimes. i think it's sad.

personally, i still have a lot of expectations in me. i don't think there's a way out for this one because they will always be there, right? we just need to really be careful with them, know how to cope with every situations and stay close to the ground. have faith? and keep calm.

try lowering them as much as you could, but add in a little hint of positivity to the outcomes. i do this all the time, but sometimes, when it's just too hard, i would just let it go. lean into the unexpected, and let it unfold itself. no, it might not be what i'd expected, but it could be something even better.

l!fe happens.

today was hurtfully slow. there's nothing much to do (oh really?) and it being the first day of my own 'hurricane sandy', i was pretty much sappy and swollen - not a good day.

i cried watching the voice because i thought christina looked so ridiculous with the pink 'fro, meanwhile, that dez duron guy is so fucking good looking - i got so confused with feelings - and so it sent me over the edge. don't get me wrong though, i love christina. she inspired me in so many ways, and i get that she wears whatever she wants to wear - but today it ticked me off. she could dressed to look good, you know ... because i've seen her, i grew up with her, and i follow her religiously. i just didn't like what she wore today.

but maybe i was just sad that right now i can't afford to buy her new album that came out yesterday, or maybe i was just pms-ing. i did felt stupid though, very soon after that.

...

i also read my old journals today. yes, all four of them. i had them when i was what? thirteen? fourteen? fifteen? they were hilarious! full of things that choked me with embarrassment and i rolled my eyes too much, i think i'm partially blind. too many fangirling confessions (i was into lance bass - the gay dude - out of all the nsync guys. who would have thought?!). they were filled with stories about boys i was crushing on - like five of them at the same time. okay like seriously, i didn't know i was that capable, until just now. who was i?!! and what happened?

nevertheless, i think i learned something about myself today. life used to be, just THAT. life was school, pimples, fangirlings, boys (still is!), and not a single care about anything that really mattered. life was just so simple and "beautiful" for the naive overweight kid. i wish it would stay that way though - no, not the overweight part, but the simplicity of it.

i consider myself as one of the lucky ones. i learned life the easy way, because i'm sure it wasn't that hard for me. i didn't go through that much drama growing up, and life presented itself well. i grew up mostly just by talking and listening to people, learning a little bit each day; and i'm very grateful.

i'm grateful that the innocence took me for a spin, which was fun while it lasted; and i'm also grateful that it left me when i needed it to. but mostly, i'm just glad that i'm not that annoying lance bass's fan anymore - and for that fact alone, i know i will grow out of whatever this is, sooner or later.

looking up, i must.

these two weeks, i've attended three interview sessions. i still haven't heard from anyone of them, so i decided to call them ... the gone cases? just so i wouldn't care too much, you know...

i realized during these sessions, i was being too honest (the outspoken-strong-headed bitch, i am), and it all seemed a little too careless. when being provoked, i would just tell them off. i think it's funny because my family, they told me to be a YES man - just say YES to whatever that was thrown at you ... but i couldn't - the feeling just wasn't right.

so here i am, it's raining since last night, i'm shivering from cold that is causing me to feel more hunger than most days, and a little frustrated - almost (right on the edge) angry. i've been refreshing my emails every 30 seconds, checking my phone hoping to hear something good; hoping to hear some familiar voices, telling me that it's okay. 

...

i'm in this alone - i knew this from the start. though they are people who loves me, who are supporting me through and through, and who are always there by my side ... i love them, too. but it wouldn't be fair to drag them down with me, you know ... at least, i won't allow that. those helping hands, those beautiful hearts - i just can't.

so the least i could do now ... is play pretend. and i should play it well enough, so they would fell for it; and believe that i'm not at all affected by this unfortunate event. thus, here's what i'm gonna do today - i'm going to dwell on it for a while (maybe until 3pm), collect all of me, and try to move on from there. i know for the fact that i still have it in me, that bitch power to help me through this. and whatever it is, i have to look up because everything else is running low...

...

the rain, it's mocking me. i swear i can hear its evil laugh.

you know you're losing it when

(1) you argued with the dry-cleaning lady, about what day it was. i told her that today was monday. she said, "no sissy, it's wednesday". "no, it's monday". she blanked. i started thinking of what i did yesterday. ... "oh".

(2) you cooked soup that was far too spicy, you couldn't even eat it yourself.

i'm not too lost, am i?

today i cut my hair.

i wanna go shorter, but that will have to wait.

so tonight i learned...

that i shouldn't eat too much pistachios. they contain fat, good fat that is but it will go wrong if i ate too much of them. and it is said, among nuts, pistachios are one of the most nutritious and least fattening. so...

long story short, i'm not gonna touch nuts for the time being until further notice (if you know what i mean). so stop showing me those nuts boys, ... and girls.
...
i ate like one big bowl of pistachios, like 15 minutes ago after i caught my dad munching on them. and i was a little hungry. oh swell, nevermind.
(for now, this is all i have to write. so...)

i'm drunk, with thoughts.

the heavy rain outside, makes me a little mellow. you know what i want to do right now? i so badly want to talk to someone. i NEED to talk to someone. i need to look that someone in the eyes, see what he/she truly feels, and watch how he/she would respond to my stories, so we could build these unnecessary arguments just to be all pumped up, to be affected, to be enlightened, to be acknowledged ... or at least, to feel, something.

...

outside, the frogs are singing. that familiar sound, that same sound tyna and i heard during our foundation year. the sound which we thought was the sound from the mosque of people reciting al-quran. so we had to stop walking, just to be really sure. after realizing that it came from the frogs, we laughed so hard, we could barely walk.

...

i don't like remembering.
remembering makes me feel things.
i don't like feeling things.
that are sad.

...

now, the room is too quiet.
but my thoughts are too loud.
i should go.
i should go, like, now.

will i hear from them today?

...

the first thing i thought when i woke up this morning. i am extremely anxious about this, and i don't know why. i need to keep calm, and have faith. they will call me, soon. insyaallah.

MY, babe, i understand now.

...

i'm having different kind of dreams now when i sleep. they're very distinct from what i used to had. somehow a little motivational and creepy. like last night i was talking to a giant tree. he was asking me to climb onto him, but i was afraid. i don't climb trees, i said.

"then you won't get to see my cats", he said before disappearing. that to me was disturbing, but in a good way?

...

tonight, just like the previous nights, i found myself desperately finding stuff to do because i can't sleep and i don't want to overthink stuff. so i did stuff.

i ended up sending three job applications via emails, and few others through jobstreet. i thought i was killing it, but looking back i think i just overdid it. god! nevermind, it is legit right?

oh by the way i was writing a cover letter in bahasa malaysia. damn that was hard! perkomputeran, and shit. gave up on translating the resume to BM though. just too much work, too much.