looking up, i must.

these two weeks, i've attended three interview sessions. i still haven't heard from anyone of them, so i decided to call them ... the gone cases? just so i wouldn't care too much, you know...

i realized during these sessions, i was being too honest (the outspoken-strong-headed bitch, i am), and it all seemed a little too careless. when being provoked, i would just tell them off. i think it's funny because my family, they told me to be a YES man - just say YES to whatever that was thrown at you ... but i couldn't - the feeling just wasn't right.

so here i am, it's raining since last night, i'm shivering from cold that is causing me to feel more hunger than most days, and a little frustrated - almost (right on the edge) angry. i've been refreshing my emails every 30 seconds, checking my phone hoping to hear something good; hoping to hear some familiar voices, telling me that it's okay. 

...

i'm in this alone - i knew this from the start. though they are people who loves me, who are supporting me through and through, and who are always there by my side ... i love them, too. but it wouldn't be fair to drag them down with me, you know ... at least, i won't allow that. those helping hands, those beautiful hearts - i just can't.

so the least i could do now ... is play pretend. and i should play it well enough, so they would fell for it; and believe that i'm not at all affected by this unfortunate event. thus, here's what i'm gonna do today - i'm going to dwell on it for a while (maybe until 3pm), collect all of me, and try to move on from there. i know for the fact that i still have it in me, that bitch power to help me through this. and whatever it is, i have to look up because everything else is running low...

...

the rain, it's mocking me. i swear i can hear its evil laugh.