sweet and bitter, oh i found home ... at home.

"for most of life, nothing wonderful happens. if you don’t enjoy getting up and working and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family or friends, then the chances are that you’re not going to be very happy. if someone bases his happiness or unhappiness on major events like a great new job, huge amounts of money, a flawlessly happy marriage or a trip to paris, that person isn’t going to be happy much of the time. if, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness." - andy rooney

sabah, january 2013

currently i am happy, at least i am most of the time. little things like a great work-out session, finding time to plant a papaya tree, or getting free starbucks pastries everytime i picked up my little sister from work - those little things make me happy. it's kind of a habit now that i'd find the best in everything and in everyone (except when i drive. oh goodness i've the worst rage, i tell you).

for example, on one foggy night around 1:30 am, i was driving to pick up husna from work as she was supposed to finish working at 2 am. i arrived around 1:45 am, and i waited. she was still not done when it reached 2:30 am and to my misery i couldn't call out at the time. so by 3, i was getting very restless - and boiled.

i tried to close my eyes, trying for a short nap - i failed. in my heart i knew i would do the unforgivable ... like kill the shit out of her. i waited a little more and by 3:45 am, i saw her walking towards the car. "here we go...", i said through gritted teeth. as she got closer, she saw me and smiled ... her tired smile. and when she got seated, she handed me a starbucks takeaway wrap; inside, there was a bread-caramel pudding. instead of the original plan (yell at her), i looked at her, and i smiled before we fell into this comforting silence. more than anything, i felt relieved, because i got her back and she got mine.

--------------------

but right now, i'm sad. 

why does it take so long to go away? how do i run away from someone who's already too far away? oh this sucks.

the mahogany sessions

people who knows me, they would know what kind of music i listen to. slow, soulful, heartfelt - songs that give me chills. the artists who got lost in their songs, i adore them. adore like crazy love them. god, i'm like serious right now.

i found a great channel on youtube - the mahogany sessions. i love every single sessions they filmed. ugly (not) people playing great music, oh so erh amazing. these artists are really amazing, really really good. go through the channel, i let you be the judge. but i know in the end you'd know i'm right...



these artists actually saved most of my days, they saved me.

she's fucking gorgeous, isn't she?

oh her?

you want her...

blink once, if you're kidding.

blink twice to tell me you're not.

ok, so you blinked twice.

let's do that again...shall we?

blink once, if you're fucking around.

blink twice, if you're not.

(he blinked twice)

her? really? her?

where do we start with her?

gosh, you tried so hard, didn't you?

to get to her, to break her wall.

you failed, i see.

trust me, my friend...

you're not the first.

many have failed, before you. 

but what's impressing me...

you're here, persisting.

not a quitter, are you?

i think we should celebrate now...

(he laughed)

oh her? i love her.

but...(god!) she's a miserable fuck.

she is, behind that gorgeous face...

her mind, her soul...fucked up.

i asked her, before, you know...

"aren't you tired of being sad?"

she just sat there...

jaded, we were at the time.

they said...

even best friends have secrets.

but even so, i can read her.

i know her like the back of my hands.

she's an addict.

and i wish it was to drugs,

or alcohol,

or something that simple...

but it's not.

she's addicted to her sadness.

that terrifies the shit outta me...

there's no cure for that kind of shit, right?

dude...

are you sure this is what you want?

(he quivered)

you're panicking...

you can't, can you?

your eyes,

you're fucking scared.

(silent)

she's fucking gorgeous, isn't she?

the way she moves,

the way her eyes seduced you?

oh i know, i know too well.

people, we don't choose pain.

but life is so wonderfully terrible,

we were given blind hope.

so pain, it's inevitable.

her? she got soaked in it.

the melancholy of it all, 

she thinks it's beautiful...

which is really disturbing, don't you think?

(he looked down)

i don't want you to judge her.

you know,

we're all pretty bizarre.

we're all a little weird.

the difference between her, you and me...

she flaunts it, and we don't.

some of us are just better at hiding it...

some of us just don't...that's all.

the stranger.

on the 8th, i did something i didn't know i could do, again. the first time i did something similar was in 2005 - i told a close friend that i was into him. i've to admit what i did back then was wrong because i was with someone else at the time - but i wanted to know, i wanted to see his reaction. if he'd have said yes, it would be messy, because i didn't have a plan. but he didn't - he saved me from all the troubles. if i knew what i know today, i would convinced him harder because the guy i was with wasn't worth it after all.

"i tau i maybe lambat nak cakap this but it was really nice meeting you (2 years back?) and that i feel like i want to know more of you, if you don't mind. tapi kalau you rasa funny about (all) this - just let me know - and we can forget that this happened (omg this is funny). so, what do you want to do?"

that was the second message i sent him after the "can i ask you something?" initiator. if i were him, i would freak out - it was just too straight forward, even the blinds know this. but he made it so nice and pleasant. he replied, "...U such a comel girl jugak rupenyer erk hahhaha...Of course it was great meeting u last 2 years...". he also said that he didn't mind at all which of course was a typical gentlemen answer but i appreciated it nontheless - it calmed the storm in me that i had since the morning.

i was happy i did that - i was swelling with proud. i didn't know where i got the courage, but it was there, at its peak. we exchanged messages for three days - but then he went, "...until then, keep in touch buddy!" - that was when i knew exactly where he was going with this and i was a little upset. so my reply to that was "i do want to keep in touch. here's my number 0166xxxxx5 - save it or don't, it's really up to you. until then, be safe and take care". and with that he gave me his.

i know it's never going to be easy...i know that. right now i really don't know what i should do next. i know one thing though, i don't want to freak him out even more than i already did - i want to be able to talk to him on rainy days (one day) and not feel awkward around him if we do ended up being closer friends. so maybe...i should take a step backward for now, give myself time to recover from this (it's painful, i can't deny...) - and just focusing on getting to know him better. it's not like we're communicating right now, but i want to try again once i've recovered and trust myself enough to not screw things up deeper. one day, one day, insyaallah.

i'm having mixed feelings about this. half of me is relieved and happy - the other part is dejected and hollowed. "hey i'm so proud of you, you really tried you know. at least now you wonder no more...", they said. yes, i wonder no more - that's the good part, right? but...the thing is, i really like him - and it has been like that for more than a year. i thought after i left KL, he would be just another forgotten memory, but he's still around - the thoughts of him are still around. i don't want to feel miserable, i'm not supposed to but he's like a dream - and it really sucks to know that i've made it even harder for me to get there, you know? it really sucks.

when i told her yesterday, i knew she understood. at a much younger age, she's...(well) a lot more experienced than me in the area. "sissy, look at it this way. right now, even if he wants to pretend that this never happened, he can't. you made him noticed you, you boggled him for a bit there. even if he wants to keep playing strangers  he knows that you happened. now the card is his to play, you just need to sit back - and watch it walk to you or away from you. if it's meant to be, it will be...you know this, ok?" 

i know, yes i'm pretty sure i know this.

let's talk.

regret for the wrong reason


"you regret it for the wrong reason, you know that?"

"what wrong reason?"

"let say you're really hungry, and there was nothing but a can of cat food; with no car - nothing you could do to get food...so you ate it. it tasted funny, sure - but you finished it anyway."

"..."

"...then you looked at the can only to find out that it had expired - the reason why it tasted funny."

"this better go somewhere..."

"you threw rage as you started regretting the fact that you just ate a can of cat food, mad at your mother for not leaving food for you, which was the wrong reason."

"then what is the right reason?"

"that you didn't bother to check the expiry date first before you eat."


speed and weight


"drive faster, please. you're going 50 per hour, that's slow!"

"you know, that speedometer reminds me so much of the timbang back home. like i don't want it to go too high."

"..."

"look at it, look. tell me i'm wrong?"

"dude, we're late. please don't do this, not now!"

"ok ok. calm your tits down, we're not THAT late."

"shut up."

"ok grumpy..."

"..."

"..."

"...but i guess u're right. it does look like a timbang."

"yes thank you. now you're as freakish as me..."

insanity is all of us.

i have an uncle - my mom big brother - who is mentally ill. he was fine before he knocked his head on something hard years ago in a road accident. he had a wife, a daughter - but they left; the wife got remarried a few times (i heard). he is now living with my grandmother and he is the funniest uncle i've ever had, literally.

it was just a random thought of him - that got me here, writing about him. i'm not really sure what is it to write about my 'crazy' uncle who had once thrown three good punches at me in the nose, and left me with blue-black nose for days. he was scary when he missed taking pills - he would randomly attacked anyone, and yelled stuff that we couldn't understand. i remember once he had chase my pregnant aunt down the street. if the scene were from a movie, i would think that it was funny - but it was really horrifying.

"he used to be really good looking. girls swarmed over him...", they said, many times. 

he's not scary anymore, he's just funny. he works at a nearby thrift store now because he needs the money to buy cigarettes - my grandmother wouldn't give him money some times. he would come home wearing clothes he 'thrift-ed' from the store. "these are pretty cheap actually - staff discount!" he declared when i asked. the mustard colored corduroy khaki pants caught my eyes that day, so i had to ask. he was pairing them with a tucked in stripey blue shirt. he looked like one of those stylish parisian men - a really out of shape one that is.

i don't know why i'm writing about him but like all the posts i wrote, i want to remember. i want to remember him. people cared for him when he was the popular kid but they left when he needed them the most - they never look back. not even the daughter he often talked about, not even her. i can't say i was there all the time, or that i will be there when he'll need me - but i know he deserves as much attention, if not more. i feel sorry we didn't include him in family gatherings, most of the time - we should. 

in the midst of our party laughter, we forgot important things; we forgot important people - and in this case we'd forgotten family. i can't point my finger because i, too, am ignorant.

"hey you cut your hair - playboy style..." he said. 
i looked up at him, "what playboy style?"
"your hair. i used to have the same hair style too. now i'm just bald..." he played with his bald head - looking all too innocent.
"tomboy you mean?" someone interrupted.
"yeah yeah tomboy. i couldn't find the word, not playboy. tomboy!" we all laughed at this. he continued, "i'm sorry about that. i'd gotten into upper 6, and that was it. my education background isn't impressive."
"upper 6 is impressive...," someone said.
"nah i don't think so..." i heard him say before he walked away.

little sister.

my sister, she's back to further her degree here. it was more of the parents' idea so she wasn't happy. she had to leave her life, the 'lover' and the friends behind. she has grown darker, and a little chunkier ... so that makes it worst. i really thought that i could understand whatever this is but who am i fucking kidding?! she's only 19 - hormonal, stubborn, rebellious, dramatic, sensitive, emotional and ... in love. there was only so much i could put into that head of hers before she started dwelling again. not now, she would be ok but not now.

i let her talked. since she got home, we'd had countless moments together where i let her talked. she would stared into the thin air, as if playing with the memories in her head as she went on.  and then she would smiled, laughed ... grinned. everytime she talked of her new 'lover' or friends and how they made her the happiest, i could immediately see her tired eyes gleamed. but as much as she tried to hide it, i noticed how her voice cracked. sadness, right now she's filled with them.

i'm swallowing hard, it's hard to digest. i watched a lot of depressing movies, but this, this pain is real. the darkness is seeping into me fast. i don't know how to get in, i really have no clue. it's heavier because somehow i feel responsible for her and i don't want to let anyone down.

the fact that sadness isn't permanent, relaxed me a little. they said, "feel the pain, don't run from it because a pain is a lesson". so what do i make from that? i think, when you're sad, go do something you love passionately. don't do it to get over the feeling but to soak in it. it's bittersweet to be in it for its purpose, but know that sadness has a way of making you see clearer, makes you stronger. put faith in it, and see where things go from there.

i think i'm overthinking, again. i should let it go for now.

i feel like something has changed for me, but it’s a new change, so it’s going to be hard for me to describe. maybe it has something to do with turning 30. i don’t feel as shy or nervous or self-conscious. i have more confidence that i can handle what life brings me. i don’t feel scared to have an idea and express it. i feel giddy about it because it’s a complete transformation. it’s like i’ve found my voice. - michelle williams

i love her so much, i want to be her - be just like her.