this critical time of my life, i want to always feel this way, forever.

"anything over RM10 is expensive. oh wait, anything over free is expensive."

january 2012 : this year is gonna be my year. 
december 2012 : i tried.

but this year, i did try harder. and i'm in a much better place. so, here's to 2013; it's so gonna be my year!

haha.

for the first time, in a very long time, i'm working on my plans. bigger (than usual) plans. and for the first time in like forever, i'm assured that these plans i've made are supported by the most important people in my life. and i'm excited.

not going to put any expectations, yet. i just have to get into them first. talk to you about that later.

note: i'm still bothered a little about what happened last saturday though. i don't know why!

meeting the devil?

at first, i was surprisingly happy, and was actually pretty psyched ... until i realized we were not there alone. it got pretty awkward so fast that my breathing became shorter and it suffocated me. and in that 30 seconds of awkwardness, i actually  ran out of things to look at because i tried so hard to avoid everyone's gaze. i'm pretty sure i looked so stupid.

i missed him. i realized that when i saw his face again. he looked good, as always. and thank god i took my time to polished up before leaving the house. so at least we were equally sharp looking, leaving us with no room to mock at each others fashion choices. instead, it left us stuttering words as if we were mentally disabled.

"... be nonchalant", i told myself. the butterflies, they were there too - not helping at all.

i know this guy; even in weird situations he would always display that smirk on his face that made him look cool. but tonight, i didn't see the smirk, and he didn't look cool at all. i couldn't tell what it was, because it was so rare to me. it was as rare as the probability of us meeting again, like that, here, in MY part of the world. it was just so random.

i didn't want to be weird so before i made my exit, i tried small friendly talks. somehow i felt like i was pushed into the scene to make it okay; to make us okay. to have a closure? maybe not yet (or ever) but at least we're talking again, right? honestly, i barely made it alive out of that awkwardness. the look on my father's face was so discomforting, i had to cut it short. so i smiled politely before i left the scene - pretending to be busy.

but that look on his face, it churned my guts, weaken my knees. it left me with trembling knees and questions in my head when i locked myself in the fitting room. i needed my answer, i wanted to understand, so i literally ran out of the room, got out of the shop, wandering around looking. looking for that face again, searching for that look. i was being obvious too. my parents were panting to keep up with me, and i kept my eyes wander like there's no tomorrow.

it was kinda like the typical cheesy hollywood scene where someone would chase after the other one at the airport; as the chaser would do these stupid illogical things, making scenes, creating unnecessary airport's drama; and at the same time the other one would suddenly realized that they belong with each other, started to freak out, and does stupid things too. they would somehow, find their way back into each others arms and have their happily ever after ending. but ... fortunately that didn't happen (not even close) - i didn't get to see him again and get my answer; i didn't get to say how glad i was to see him and that i have a new number. i didn't even get to say goodbye.

true, it would be great if we could talk longer. but seriously, i'm actually grateful that it didn't happen. would i get my answer if i did see him again? would it be less awkward? would the goodbye taste better? i don't know. and i'm glad that i don't know. it has been 4 months, since we last spoke. he seems happier now, and i know that i am. why would i let that go to waste just because of my never ending curiosity towards this guy? we're happy, and people love us. we're SEPARATELY happy, and for once in a very long time i can finally say ... we made it. WE FINALLY MADE IT!

what to expect when you're expecting?

expectations are funny things. you waste so much time guessing what your life could look like. but the thing is, you can't really know what's in store for you until the day you open your eyes and see it, to experience it.

expectations are funny things. they make you believe in things that would often turned out very differently than what you wanted; making you crave for more because of the unfilled expectations. yes, we've all been there; we've all done that.

when i was younger, i was annoyingly positive about everything, and so unafraid to dream big. i expected the best out of everything. i just didn't expect that expectations, ... (well) they bite.

it's a crazy world out there. people were expected to be good to each other, but look at how that one turned out, hu? the leaders were expected to lead people to better places, but i can't count on that either, can i? oh how funny when we expect people to do stuff that we find ourselves struggling with, sometimes. i think it's sad.

personally, i still have a lot of expectations in me. i don't think there's a way out for this one because they will always be there, right? we just need to really be careful with them, know how to cope with every situations and stay close to the ground. have faith? and keep calm.

try lowering them as much as you could, but add in a little hint of positivity to the outcomes. i do this all the time, but sometimes, when it's just too hard, i would just let it go. lean into the unexpected, and let it unfold itself. no, it might not be what i'd expected, but it could be something even better.

l!fe happens.

today was hurtfully slow. there's nothing much to do (oh really?) and it being the first day of my own 'hurricane sandy', i was pretty much sappy and swollen - not a good day.

i cried watching the voice because i thought christina looked so ridiculous with the pink 'fro, meanwhile, that dez duron guy is so fucking good looking - i got so confused with feelings - and so it sent me over the edge. don't get me wrong though, i love christina. she inspired me in so many ways, and i get that she wears whatever she wants to wear - but today it ticked me off. she could dressed to look good, you know ... because i've seen her, i grew up with her, and i follow her religiously. i just didn't like what she wore today.

but maybe i was just sad that right now i can't afford to buy her new album that came out yesterday, or maybe i was just pms-ing. i did felt stupid though, very soon after that.

...

i also read my old journals today. yes, all four of them. i had them when i was what? thirteen? fourteen? fifteen? they were hilarious! full of things that choked me with embarrassment and i rolled my eyes too much, i think i'm partially blind. too many fangirling confessions (i was into lance bass - the gay dude - out of all the nsync guys. who would have thought?!). they were filled with stories about boys i was crushing on - like five of them at the same time. okay like seriously, i didn't know i was that capable, until just now. who was i?!! and what happened?

nevertheless, i think i learned something about myself today. life used to be, just THAT. life was school, pimples, fangirlings, boys (still is!), and not a single care about anything that really mattered. life was just so simple and "beautiful" for the naive overweight kid. i wish it would stay that way though - no, not the overweight part, but the simplicity of it.

i consider myself as one of the lucky ones. i learned life the easy way, because i'm sure it wasn't that hard for me. i didn't go through that much drama growing up, and life presented itself well. i grew up mostly just by talking and listening to people, learning a little bit each day; and i'm very grateful.

i'm grateful that the innocence took me for a spin, which was fun while it lasted; and i'm also grateful that it left me when i needed it to. but mostly, i'm just glad that i'm not that annoying lance bass's fan anymore - and for that fact alone, i know i will grow out of whatever this is, sooner or later.

looking up, i must.

these two weeks, i've attended three interview sessions. i still haven't heard from anyone of them, so i decided to call them ... the gone cases? just so i wouldn't care too much, you know...

i realized during these sessions, i was being too honest (the outspoken-strong-headed bitch, i am), and it all seemed a little too careless. when being provoked, i would just tell them off. i think it's funny because my family, they told me to be a YES man - just say YES to whatever that was thrown at you ... but i couldn't - the feeling just wasn't right.

so here i am, it's raining since last night, i'm shivering from cold that is causing me to feel more hunger than most days, and a little frustrated - almost (right on the edge) angry. i've been refreshing my emails every 30 seconds, checking my phone hoping to hear something good; hoping to hear some familiar voices, telling me that it's okay. 

...

i'm in this alone - i knew this from the start. though they are people who loves me, who are supporting me through and through, and who are always there by my side ... i love them, too. but it wouldn't be fair to drag them down with me, you know ... at least, i won't allow that. those helping hands, those beautiful hearts - i just can't.

so the least i could do now ... is play pretend. and i should play it well enough, so they would fell for it; and believe that i'm not at all affected by this unfortunate event. thus, here's what i'm gonna do today - i'm going to dwell on it for a while (maybe until 3pm), collect all of me, and try to move on from there. i know for the fact that i still have it in me, that bitch power to help me through this. and whatever it is, i have to look up because everything else is running low...

...

the rain, it's mocking me. i swear i can hear its evil laugh.

you know you're losing it when

(1) you argued with the dry-cleaning lady, about what day it was. i told her that today was monday. she said, "no sissy, it's wednesday". "no, it's monday". she blanked. i started thinking of what i did yesterday. ... "oh".

(2) you cooked soup that was far too spicy, you couldn't even eat it yourself.

i'm not too lost, am i?