i used to write. i used to write things that made me gleam - they made me happy.

i went back, visiting my old posts. i was surprised, i did well (for my standard). i want to write more, i swear - but everytime i was thinking about it, i felt heavy, i was always doing something else.

today, i'm writing because i'm sinking. i'm sad, i have holes in my heart needed filling. some substances, i figured, so i write.

i fell. i care too much. i try to doubt the bad things, but i failed. no, don't get it wrong. i'm not broken. i just care too much, i'm worried. i'm anxiously worried.

monday, the last i've heard from him. he was scheduled to come home today, but it's almost 5pm, i've yet to hear from him. and it's normal to feel worried, right? (...especially when you care?)

everytime my phone beeped, i hope it's news. oh goodness, this is pretty weird, and it's pretty hard too.

i won't be telling him this. he doesn't need to know. he won't have to worry about me worrying about him. no, he deserves better. he deserves ... this secret.

and then there's this...

after seeing this, my doubt is gone. i love these people too much, i'd do anything for them.

old memories, new memories - i wanna keep doing them with these people. my family, my loves.

the bed.

"you know those beds, those therapeutic overpriced beds which are said to be good for your back?"

"yeah. like those in that movie, gigantic?"

"i'm sorry?"

"gigantic? zooey deschanel and paul dano? she spent a few hours sleeping on one of his expensive beds in his beds shop?"

"..."

"no?"

"erm no..."

"it's...oh nevermind! so what's with those beds?"

"so, wait? should i check the movie out later?"

"i don't know. i didn't get to finish it. it was a little too dreary?"

"oh..."

"no no. a little dreary for my liking, but it was ok...i guess."

"oh ok."

"ok whatever. now, tell me..."

"it's actually nothing. nothing too important..."

"but you can't-get-it-off-your-head kind of nothing-too-important thing?"

"(chuckled) maybe, i guess...like sort of. i don't know."

"..."

"oh fuck it, yes! i can't stop, yes!"

"you can't get the beds off your head?"

"yeah yeah, those beds, those overpriced but really great beds. you need one for your back and at the time you just can't afford one..."

"because your back is hurting. and it really hurts..."

"yes oh my god yes! it's killing you. you know, those back pains, they're bitches."

"(groaned) yeah. that bitch you wish you could slap so hard hoping that it would just go away after..."

"...yeah."

"and..."


"and...here you are standing in front of it, staring at the 'do not sit' warning on the bed, just below the price display board - sighing heavy long breaths, feeling defeated, thinking if only you could just stay in it for 2 minutes and soak in its goodness. you know?"

"hmm..."

"you just can't afford it, you know. you can't even afford to sit on it for a while because you fear that they would blow a whistle on you, asking you all sorts of questions. you are too weak for that, your back is hurting..."

"hold back by our fears, yes, that. but you know you could save up money for it? it might take awhile but..."


"that's the thing. while standing and staring, your mind is overshadowed by your heart's desire - telling you things like 'make the decision now!', 'what's your next move?', 'oh god look at that bed!', 'don't wait, do something!' - like when a salesperson is pitching you on his products, he'd use 'urgency', you know. like you need to do something now, like right now. right there, right then, don't even breath..."

"yeah. so...what are you gonna do about it?"

"i don't know. tell me..."

"well, A, save up and buy the bed. and B, walk away, find a cheaper bed that does the same thing."

"i could do A. i could save up money. yeah, sure...but, am i willing to invest my time, saving up for it?"

"..."

"they said love fades, in most cases. it's a lot stronger in the beginning, almost too strong...and that they always look right in the beginning. but then one day you'd look back and wonder what happened to it, where did it go...just like that movie 'blue valentine' - it's really sad but...it's the reality.

(silent)

what i'm saying is, what if one day, while saving, my back pain killed me, and i died. or i found this really awesome thrift store, and spent almost half of the money there and that the bed wouldn't matter anymore, because i found something better to love...

(longer silent)

it's just...time can backfire. time opens up possibilities you never would've imagine. it can either strengthen or deteriorate dreams, you know. and the unpredictability of it all scares the shit out of me. because you really like this bed, there's no better bed, and you know this because you've been looking for too long. you feel like you deserve it, and that you belong together...but right now, it's here in front of you. it's so close yet so out of reach. it's infuriating..."

"it sucks, but it doesn't have to be so well thought of. maybe you're over thinking a little here. maybe you're too hard on yourself. if it's that hard for you, you still have option B?"

"would you choose B?"

"walk away from my dream bed? yes, well maybe after i stare at it for a few more hours..."

"..."

"look. it's ok for me to walk away, because i don't have the back pain. it won't hurt me as much..."

"right..."

"we are just talking about a bed, right?"


"would you walk away from your dream?"

"(thinking hard, forehead lines visible)"

"you look so funny right now i wish i have my camera with me... (laughed)"

"(serious) you know what...i would! if it's been too hard, wanting it for far too long...i would. i wouldn't wanna waste anymore of my time thinking about something that obviously isn't meant to be mine, from the start. because just like feelings, these wants, these cravings, they aren't permanent right? maybe you're just in love with the idea of that thing, and not with it, you know. like you're blinded by the price. just because it's expensive doesn't make it that great, you know, maybe better than most but...does that make sense?"

"i guess..."

"feel better? ready to make your call?"

"maybe. i don't know. maybe i should you know, stare at it for a while longer..."

"hmm, ok. i got your back..."

"wanna join me stare at it? maybe this time it would actually speak to me. and if that happens, i'd get myself some loans, and spend the rest of my life with it. but until then..."

"until then, we stare. we just stand here and stare..."

"thank you."

"you are welcome.

(silent)

and since you just mentioned it, maybe later we could re-watch blue valentine. i kinda miss it..."

"yeah? yeah, we should. their sex scenes will definitely make me feel so much better..."

"..."

"i can't wait."

"for what?"

"to find the answer."

sweet and bitter, oh i found home ... at home.

"for most of life, nothing wonderful happens. if you don’t enjoy getting up and working and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family or friends, then the chances are that you’re not going to be very happy. if someone bases his happiness or unhappiness on major events like a great new job, huge amounts of money, a flawlessly happy marriage or a trip to paris, that person isn’t going to be happy much of the time. if, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness." - andy rooney

sabah, january 2013

currently i am happy, at least i am most of the time. little things like a great work-out session, finding time to plant a papaya tree, or getting free starbucks pastries everytime i picked up my little sister from work - those little things make me happy. it's kind of a habit now that i'd find the best in everything and in everyone (except when i drive. oh goodness i've the worst rage, i tell you).

for example, on one foggy night around 1:30 am, i was driving to pick up husna from work as she was supposed to finish working at 2 am. i arrived around 1:45 am, and i waited. she was still not done when it reached 2:30 am and to my misery i couldn't call out at the time. so by 3, i was getting very restless - and boiled.

i tried to close my eyes, trying for a short nap - i failed. in my heart i knew i would do the unforgivable ... like kill the shit out of her. i waited a little more and by 3:45 am, i saw her walking towards the car. "here we go...", i said through gritted teeth. as she got closer, she saw me and smiled ... her tired smile. and when she got seated, she handed me a starbucks takeaway wrap; inside, there was a bread-caramel pudding. instead of the original plan (yell at her), i looked at her, and i smiled before we fell into this comforting silence. more than anything, i felt relieved, because i got her back and she got mine.

--------------------

but right now, i'm sad. 

why does it take so long to go away? how do i run away from someone who's already too far away? oh this sucks.

the mahogany sessions

people who knows me, they would know what kind of music i listen to. slow, soulful, heartfelt - songs that give me chills. the artists who got lost in their songs, i adore them. adore like crazy love them. god, i'm like serious right now.

i found a great channel on youtube - the mahogany sessions. i love every single sessions they filmed. ugly (not) people playing great music, oh so erh amazing. these artists are really amazing, really really good. go through the channel, i let you be the judge. but i know in the end you'd know i'm right...



these artists actually saved most of my days, they saved me.

she's fucking gorgeous, isn't she?

oh her?

you want her...

blink once, if you're kidding.

blink twice to tell me you're not.

ok, so you blinked twice.

let's do that again...shall we?

blink once, if you're fucking around.

blink twice, if you're not.

(he blinked twice)

her? really? her?

where do we start with her?

gosh, you tried so hard, didn't you?

to get to her, to break her wall.

you failed, i see.

trust me, my friend...

you're not the first.

many have failed, before you. 

but what's impressing me...

you're here, persisting.

not a quitter, are you?

i think we should celebrate now...

(he laughed)

oh her? i love her.

but...(god!) she's a miserable fuck.

she is, behind that gorgeous face...

her mind, her soul...fucked up.

i asked her, before, you know...

"aren't you tired of being sad?"

she just sat there...

jaded, we were at the time.

they said...

even best friends have secrets.

but even so, i can read her.

i know her like the back of my hands.

she's an addict.

and i wish it was to drugs,

or alcohol,

or something that simple...

but it's not.

she's addicted to her sadness.

that terrifies the shit outta me...

there's no cure for that kind of shit, right?

dude...

are you sure this is what you want?

(he quivered)

you're panicking...

you can't, can you?

your eyes,

you're fucking scared.

(silent)

she's fucking gorgeous, isn't she?

the way she moves,

the way her eyes seduced you?

oh i know, i know too well.

people, we don't choose pain.

but life is so wonderfully terrible,

we were given blind hope.

so pain, it's inevitable.

her? she got soaked in it.

the melancholy of it all, 

she thinks it's beautiful...

which is really disturbing, don't you think?

(he looked down)

i don't want you to judge her.

you know,

we're all pretty bizarre.

we're all a little weird.

the difference between her, you and me...

she flaunts it, and we don't.

some of us are just better at hiding it...

some of us just don't...that's all.

the stranger.

on the 8th, i did something i didn't know i could do, again. the first time i did something similar was in 2005 - i told a close friend that i was into him. i've to admit what i did back then was wrong because i was with someone else at the time - but i wanted to know, i wanted to see his reaction. if he'd have said yes, it would be messy, because i didn't have a plan. but he didn't - he saved me from all the troubles. if i knew what i know today, i would convinced him harder because the guy i was with wasn't worth it after all.

"i tau i maybe lambat nak cakap this but it was really nice meeting you (2 years back?) and that i feel like i want to know more of you, if you don't mind. tapi kalau you rasa funny about (all) this - just let me know - and we can forget that this happened (omg this is funny). so, what do you want to do?"

that was the second message i sent him after the "can i ask you something?" initiator. if i were him, i would freak out - it was just too straight forward, even the blinds know this. but he made it so nice and pleasant. he replied, "...U such a comel girl jugak rupenyer erk hahhaha...Of course it was great meeting u last 2 years...". he also said that he didn't mind at all which of course was a typical gentlemen answer but i appreciated it nontheless - it calmed the storm in me that i had since the morning.

i was happy i did that - i was swelling with proud. i didn't know where i got the courage, but it was there, at its peak. we exchanged messages for three days - but then he went, "...until then, keep in touch buddy!" - that was when i knew exactly where he was going with this and i was a little upset. so my reply to that was "i do want to keep in touch. here's my number 0166xxxxx5 - save it or don't, it's really up to you. until then, be safe and take care". and with that he gave me his.

i know it's never going to be easy...i know that. right now i really don't know what i should do next. i know one thing though, i don't want to freak him out even more than i already did - i want to be able to talk to him on rainy days (one day) and not feel awkward around him if we do ended up being closer friends. so maybe...i should take a step backward for now, give myself time to recover from this (it's painful, i can't deny...) - and just focusing on getting to know him better. it's not like we're communicating right now, but i want to try again once i've recovered and trust myself enough to not screw things up deeper. one day, one day, insyaallah.

i'm having mixed feelings about this. half of me is relieved and happy - the other part is dejected and hollowed. "hey i'm so proud of you, you really tried you know. at least now you wonder no more...", they said. yes, i wonder no more - that's the good part, right? but...the thing is, i really like him - and it has been like that for more than a year. i thought after i left KL, he would be just another forgotten memory, but he's still around - the thoughts of him are still around. i don't want to feel miserable, i'm not supposed to but he's like a dream - and it really sucks to know that i've made it even harder for me to get there, you know? it really sucks.

when i told her yesterday, i knew she understood. at a much younger age, she's...(well) a lot more experienced than me in the area. "sissy, look at it this way. right now, even if he wants to pretend that this never happened, he can't. you made him noticed you, you boggled him for a bit there. even if he wants to keep playing strangers  he knows that you happened. now the card is his to play, you just need to sit back - and watch it walk to you or away from you. if it's meant to be, it will be...you know this, ok?" 

i know, yes i'm pretty sure i know this.

let's talk.

regret for the wrong reason


"you regret it for the wrong reason, you know that?"

"what wrong reason?"

"let say you're really hungry, and there was nothing but a can of cat food; with no car - nothing you could do to get food...so you ate it. it tasted funny, sure - but you finished it anyway."

"..."

"...then you looked at the can only to find out that it had expired - the reason why it tasted funny."

"this better go somewhere..."

"you threw rage as you started regretting the fact that you just ate a can of cat food, mad at your mother for not leaving food for you, which was the wrong reason."

"then what is the right reason?"

"that you didn't bother to check the expiry date first before you eat."


speed and weight


"drive faster, please. you're going 50 per hour, that's slow!"

"you know, that speedometer reminds me so much of the timbang back home. like i don't want it to go too high."

"..."

"look at it, look. tell me i'm wrong?"

"dude, we're late. please don't do this, not now!"

"ok ok. calm your tits down, we're not THAT late."

"shut up."

"ok grumpy..."

"..."

"..."

"...but i guess u're right. it does look like a timbang."

"yes thank you. now you're as freakish as me..."