six-word horror story.

seventh october, i am already broke.

paper-boats.

she makes paper-boats
from the letters
she still writes and
she sails them out to the ocean.
turtles choked
making them scientists mad.
from the descriptions in her letters,
they track him down ...
knock on his steel door and
they say, "there's a girl
that still writes to you,
we need her to stop!"

...

she still writes paper-boats ...
she doesn't know how not to.

sexy.

i never told him

how sexy he was

when he lifted his right arm

reaching for his drink ...

every vein under his dark skin visible,

i stole a glance at his right forearm 

where his scar was hidden ...

i swear it was the sexiest goddamn thing.

i wanted to ask him about the scar

but when i looked up 

and caught his eyes -

i changed my mind.

the sexy scar

became pale in comparison

to the way his eyes twitched

after he was caught staring ...

i swear it was the sexiest goddamn thing.

Step 1: Admit.

"you know what's sad?"

"a lot of things can be sad, right?"

"no i mean what's sad about ... this?!"

"whatever it is ... you're gonna pull through. always have, okay?"

"that's the thing - because i was always able to pull through, i am scared to tell people that i'm not okay."

"scared?"

"yes i'm scared that they will judge me for not able to keep it all together. or even worst ... they won't even believe that it could happen to me because to them ... i'm strong, get it? i'm scared that they will call me ... weak."

"(silent)"

"but i am not weak, i'm just very vulnerable right now. i've never felt so ... disturbed - mostly by my own thoughts. dude, i'm not doing so well. i feel like i'm ... drowning."

"but i know you, you'll pull through because you're a fighter!"

"no dude, you're wrong. i'm just a human ... i can't fight all the time."

Defeat.

I don't understand
the situation I am in.
Is this a punishment?
Was I arrogant? 

Too long I kept it all
together, and well.
Was I arrogant-
thinking that I was that strong?

I was keeping everyone
I love away from negativity...
I really fought hard.
Did they get into me instead? 

Ya Allah,
help me through this.
Help me understand why
am I falling apart.

warsan shire: introduction.

"the kitchen" 

by warsan shire


half a papaya and a palmful of sesame oil;
lately, your husband’s mind has been elsewhere.

honeyed dates, goat’s milk;
you want to quiet the bloating of salt.

coconut and ghee butter;
he kisses the back of your neck at the stove.

cayenne and roasted pine nuts;
you offer him the hollow of your throat.

saffron and rosemary;
you don’t ask him her name.

vine leaves and olives;
you let him lift you by the waist.

cinnamon and tamarind;
lay you down on the kitchen counter.

almonds soaked in rose water;
your husband is hungry.

sweet mangoes and sugared lemon;
he had forgotten the way you taste.

sour dough and cumin;
but she cannot make him eat, like you.

please.

my regrets, my fears, my doubts, my wishes, my wants, my feelings - let me write them down. i speak my own truth, with genuine intentions - i don't mean any harm.

let me tell my stories to the only thing that's willing to put up to me, and won't tire easy. everybody will leave, eventually - but this will stay.

it isn't comfortable talking - not when my voice would cracked in the middle of a conversation ... with lumps in my throat. this is my canvas - to help me understand and appreciate my own journey better. i found a space (my space) and in it i feel safe.

so please don't take my voice, my stories, my words - no, not this. i love words - and you should know this ... by now.

zikir.

seolah berbisik,
lafaznya lembut.
ku ulanginya 
di setiap celah
helaan nafasku.

di lidahku manis, 
ia menenangkan.
Ya Allah, Ya Tuhanku...
namamu bagaikan candu,
ku ucapkan tanpa jemu.