Saved by Khalid

The hard part always seems to last forever
Sometimes I forget that we aren't together
Deep down in my heart, I hope you're doing alright
But from time to time I often think of why you aren't mine
But I'll keep your number saved
'Cause I hope one day you'll get the sense to call me
I'm hoping that you'll say
You're missing me the way I'm missing you
So I'll keep your number saved
'Cause I hope one day I'll get the pride to call you
To tell you that no one else
Is gonna hold you down the way that I do

Now, I can't say I'll be alright without you
And I can't say that I haven't tried to
But, all your stuff is gone
I erased all the pictures from my phone
Of me and you
Here's what I'll do

I'll keep your number saved
'Cause I hope one day you'll get the sense to call me
I'm hoping that you'll say
You're missing me the way I'm missing you
So I'll keep your number saved
'Cause I hope one day I'll get the pride to call you
To tell you that no one else
Is gonna hold you down the way that I do
I hope you think of all the times we shared
I hope you'll finally realize I was the only one who cared

It's crazy how this love thing seems unfair
You won't find a love like mine anywhere
But I'll keep your number saved
'Cause I hope one day you'll get the sense to call me
I'm hoping that you'll say
You're missing me the way I'm missing you (missing me the way I'm missing you)

So I'll keep your number saved
'Cause I hope one day you'll get the sense to call me
I'm hoping that you'll say
You're missing me the way I'm missing you
I'll keep your number saved
'Cause I hope one day I'll get the pride to call you
To tell you that I'm finally over you
I'm finally over you
Finally over you

Type.

I swore that I didn't have a type.
Then he came, slow like a whisper.
The next boy with a pair of skinny arms -
with those visible veins.
His lanky physical - and those thick black nerdy frames.

My wall crumbled.

I swore I didn't have a type.
But then he came (exclamation marks).
The next one with no reaction on his face; another emotionally hidden character.
The surface is cold,
one needs to dig deeper to find a soul.

I'm falling.

I swore I didn't have one, but I think I do - because I'm falling for it yet again.

it has been a while.

now it is proven. i only write when i'm unsure of things - of feelings. with everything beautifully placed on the plate, i assumed i'd feel good. i am happy. but?

i no longer plan for big events to be excited for - a good breakfast makes me happy; a good conversation makes me happy; a good laugh; and, an over-friendly stranger can make my day. so ... am i missing the anything? am i settling? do i want more? how? and why? do i need more?

damnit! now i'm a little sad.

i'm baked.

i've been baking ... a lot. almost every day, for the past few weeks - and i've gained a lot of weight ever since too. which is depressing to think about - so yesterday i decided that i need to 'seriously' stop. but then i started thinking about the cream cheese and the whip cream that i just bought - so i need to do something with that first, before i stop; before i make myself hate baking ... for a bit.

i'm trying to cope with my study - i just started. a lot of new unfamiliar terms. i just found out what it is exactly - and it's much more interesting than i've expected. i'm studying behavioral learning that involves a lot of studies on cognitive psychology. i'm like 'oh my god i'm so gonna be really struggling but so happy at the same time!'. dreams do come true.

and i've been applying for a new job too. and i'm not thinking kuching, anymore. i can't stay - i do not have an exact reason of why - but i know i can't stay. my first interview will be this friday, at bangsar south.

i'm excited, i tell you that. but i'm scared, really scared. my dad was informed, but i'm pretty sure he's not totally not ok with it. and mom, i'm not there yet - but i'm sure how that will turn out to be. not pretty - but i'll be okay. couple of tears shed is nothing in comparison to the future right? right.

if i want to do this, i'm going to be strong - really strong on my own. so, do you still wonder why i've been baking alot? i thought it was an escape - but no it's not. it's something else.

tracks.

at the airport, on the way home, there was this couple sitting a few seats away from me. they were obviously still in love with each other - they were always taking selfies, together. i thought they were cute, annoyingly cute.

and there i was - thinking that i wanted to do that too ... with you - and annoy the shit out of everybody.

i decided that night, i wanted you. you, just you - and it all made sense. it's just that ... i wish that you'd want that too.

more than just a verse.

i thought at first that perhaps, i could get away with not touching the subject, but last night (during a great bout of pain) i realized that i had to clarify in order for me to make sense and for whomever truly cares, to understand.

a few nights ago, i received a call from him. he was going for his usual 'i'm-a-funny-guy' antics - but after a few minutes into the conversation i asked him "seriously, what is it that's bothering you?"

we talked for a few hours that night - and yes, we really ... talked. it was stripped down and very raw. i felt like i finally got to the other side of him - and he finally lets me in. it's funny how it was filled with comfortable silences (after all that had happened) - and knowing that someone was there for me that night, it felt nice. i was also comforted by the idea of talking to someone who knew me as much as i knew him, leaving us with nothing to judge. that night, i felt his presence because he actually listened.

when i decided to write this post, i knew i would get some kind of reactions from people - but it is kind of important for me. it wasn't romantic, or flirting. he was asking advices about his relationships with people. and he came to me so that had to mean something. he trusted me. and i loved that.

i didn't know him when we were together - at least not more than things like his favourite colour (which i can't even remember now), or, the foods he ate, or, his obsessions with branded goods. maybe we were both too busy trying to make each other 'happy' we neglected 'that thing' couples do when you stare into each others eyes and asked "who the hell are you?". but even if we did it then, i think, it would just go to a different kind of messed-up. i strongly believe that we were not from the same mold.

last night when i was searching for the first games of thrones book, i found our picture. it was still in its frame. i stared at it for a while; i realized, i am changed - and he was more than just a verse in my life. he was a pretty good lesson and a very decent friend.

a happy fight.

monday
we were at the reservoir park, and the guy in the orange kicks parked next to my car. with him there, i really enjoyed my run.

tuesday
we were again at the reservoir park - and this time my car got broken into. i lost my phone and i'm getting too ... paranoid. *yesterday, for the first time ever, i went shopping carrying two laptops.

wednesday
i wore pretty clothes - to celebrate the things that i do have. i braced myself - and went for another run at a different venue, the pustaka kuching.

thursday
rest day ... cheat day. i ate kfc breasts for dinner - and i vomited. lately, i can't keep my food down.

friday
i went for a run at the pustaka kuching - and i saw the guy in the orange kicks. i was the happiest jogger.

untitled.

whenever i was with a company - a close one or someone new, i talked a lot - with a few short pauses in between.

i just realized this quite recently - and it took me a while to try to understand why... 

i've been in many situations where i was left with silences. people should know that soundless doesn't equal painless. soundless equals emptiness equals 'you're not worth explaining to' equals ... pain.

i hate sitting in silence ... waiting in vain. i hate it.

not too cute.

how do i write this without sounding like a sad, wimpy, jealous and desperate(?) woman?

i don't think i can.

you know, i am happy - and i mean it - when i see friends settling down, one after another. and babies ... babies are the cutest things. those things make me the happiest. i swear. 

but to be honest, i've been thinking a lot about those, lately; a smile on his face, the soft silky babies skins ... and our home.

sad, wimpy, jealous and desperate(?) - maybe i am all that. oh get over it!





patience? it used to be a lot easier ... 

note to self.

when you saw something wrong and in your heart you knew it needed to stop. you did it; you silenced the demons in them and you made peace within yourself.

people might not like what you just did - they might even hate you after that - but that's life. do not second guess yourself, do not feel sorry - you did the right thing.

because in the end, it was never between you and them. it's you and Allah - always been and always will be.

night-time dialogue.

i'm trying to convince everyone
that i'm over you,
that i've moved on from you -
but i don't think they're buying it.

maybe i should, first, convince myself.
but at least i convinced you, right?

lately

i've been thinking about you

like people think about the clock ... 

five minutes before their shifts end.

i hope you're happy,

you deserve it; and

thank you ...

for everything.

i am not sleeping early tonight.

this is a snapshot, an ugly one. i slept from 4-8pm in the evening (had a bad dream) - and now i can't sleep. i was trying to write something but the more i tried the more i realized i wasn't born to write. oh well, moving on!

2014.

checked:

(1) the master plan was actually last year's plan but it finally went through - officially a postgrad on 15th january 2014.  now that i'm on my own, i realized how expensive education is financially, and physically (time, body and soul) - but it's fun - challenges are fun!

(2) i quit smoking. so this one was not expected - last year i reduced my daily 'dosage' - but on the 26th january 2014, i finally had it. i guess i was just tired of lying to myself.

(3) 29th january 2014 - i bought a new laptop. ok i have to ... for my education plan - and i have to say windows 8 is awesome!

(4) they said even the strongest slipped - so i kinda did. i had a serious meltdown, my emotions got the best of me - and it was all because of that one stupid movie. (25th january 2014)

(5) i exercise more frequently and this fact alone makes me so happy.

to do:

(1) lebih kenal dan dekat to Allah dan Rasulullah.

(2) now that i exercise more, i should probably start eating healthier again.

(3) by june 2014 - stop biting nails.

(4) by end 2014 - be a yoga and pilate practitioner.

(5) read at least one book per month.

(6) to introduce a man to my father (lol).

alhamdulillah. i know it started strong - but i don't want to get too excited. i'm keeping it as realistic as possible. i wanna feel each moment and to be there - feeling, tasting and breathing those moments. insyaAllah.

a short letter.

dear future husband,

i wonder what you’re doing right now. i wonder if i’ve met you yet. Allah, he's preparing us into these two strong individuals. you'll be a leader to me - and i'll be the mother to our children. i promise to be a good one.

i wonder what our weekends will be like and if you would be okay if i name our first pet 'betty' and if you love arts. i wonder if you like sitting in silence while getting lost in a book or your thoughts, too - and if you have a big smile.

you could be so many different things and i’m going to learn and love all of them. i hope you don't mind me writing about you one day ... like all the time.

i miss you. come home soon, okay?

something.

i wrote when i sad. i read somewhere that most writers do that - they write when they're sad. i don't think that's true though.

all right, maybe it's true - but i'd like to think that it's not.

birthday post.

alhamdulillah, that was one of the good chapters ... if not the best one. i'm more self-assured and comfortable than i've ever been and i've so much to be thankful for.

some time ago i was reminded that your birthday is as much as your mother's day as it is yours. so ma, thank you (1000000x), i love you.

i'm 28. i got over the 'every-time-a-boy-pays-attention-to-me-i-fall-in-love-for-like-a-week' phase - and for that reason alone i know i'm in a much better place.

so here's to more new adventures and a greater bigger purpose to live and good things to receive and give. insyaAllah.

you in her.

when he secretly stared at her,
she hoped he gives her butterflies ...
she hoped he was you.

when he threw compliments,
she wished you were there
smiling proudly at her.

when he made jokes,
she knew you could make her laugh harder
without even trying to impress her.

when she caught his eyes,
she was thinking of how small
your eyes were when you smiled.

when he told her his stories,
she missed the story of the ocean,
and the ones you left behind.

when he stood close,
she imagined you -
and she took all of you in ... with her eyes closed.

when he told her his secret,
she told him she missed you -
and she hoped that you miss her too.

versus.

she's a morning person. every single day she wakes up with a smile brighter than the morning sun itself. she's a dreamer; she resets the reality of yesterdays - and she makes today a brand new day for her brand new dream.

he's not a morning person. he eats stupid people in the morning after he gives them his signature morning death stares. he doesn't reset the past - and he never think he can. he steps out of the house every morning with a pair of heavy shoulders, sets low expectations and walks cautiously ... afraid of the harshness of life. he doesn't talk about dreams in the morning.

she's not an evening person, he is. towards the end of each day, he's thankful he survived. she's on the other end sulks as she sees her dreams come undone.

the sickness.

Someone should tell the kids that a raping scene doesn't always happen in the dark alleys their parents warned them about. Someone should really be telling the kids that most raping scenes happened at home ... done by people they knew and trusted. Someone should be telling them that ... too.

When strangers raped, they usually killed the victim. But when people we know raped ... they killed you inside. Which is equally sad.