i'm drunk, with thoughts.

the heavy rain outside, makes me a little mellow. you know what i want to do right now? i so badly want to talk to someone. i NEED to talk to someone. i need to look that someone in the eyes, see what he/she truly feels, and watch how he/she would respond to my stories, so we could build these unnecessary arguments just to be all pumped up, to be affected, to be enlightened, to be acknowledged ... or at least, to feel, something.

...

outside, the frogs are singing. that familiar sound, that same sound tyna and i heard during our foundation year. the sound which we thought was the sound from the mosque of people reciting al-quran. so we had to stop walking, just to be really sure. after realizing that it came from the frogs, we laughed so hard, we could barely walk.

...

i don't like remembering.
remembering makes me feel things.
i don't like feeling things.
that are sad.

...

now, the room is too quiet.
but my thoughts are too loud.
i should go.
i should go, like, now.

will i hear from them today?

...

the first thing i thought when i woke up this morning. i am extremely anxious about this, and i don't know why. i need to keep calm, and have faith. they will call me, soon. insyaallah.

MY, babe, i understand now.

...

i'm having different kind of dreams now when i sleep. they're very distinct from what i used to had. somehow a little motivational and creepy. like last night i was talking to a giant tree. he was asking me to climb onto him, but i was afraid. i don't climb trees, i said.

"then you won't get to see my cats", he said before disappearing. that to me was disturbing, but in a good way?

...

tonight, just like the previous nights, i found myself desperately finding stuff to do because i can't sleep and i don't want to overthink stuff. so i did stuff.

i ended up sending three job applications via emails, and few others through jobstreet. i thought i was killing it, but looking back i think i just overdid it. god! nevermind, it is legit right?

oh by the way i was writing a cover letter in bahasa malaysia. damn that was hard! perkomputeran, and shit. gave up on translating the resume to BM though. just too much work, too much.

hello lama tak berjumpa.

i've been meaning to write. but it's been hard, on the writing i mean.

so i'd packed my bags. and i took my flight home. and yes, i'm home. this decision was made last year, i didn't discuss it with anyone, not even my parents, until i've made up my mind. i think i've made a good call. this is good. i'm positive!

...

i don't have to tell you the sad part. it was so sad, and so overwhelming. so no, i won't discuss the leaving-my-friends-behind part. let's just be adults and pretend that we understand that it was just too much.

i've unpacked. i've decorated the room a bit. i'm pleased. i'm happy.

i'm also currently very active in finding job oppurtunities. i told myself that i'd do fine, but i do not know what happened in between now and then that i got pretty desperate about finding a job. i'm pretty sure that i'm having anxiety attacks every night in bed. it's so disgusting. but i won't go yakyak into it. we'll just pray for the best.

and speaking of pray, i should start doing that too. it's not funny, anymore.

i no longer write.
but i will try, again.

My heart stopped. It just stopped beating. And for the first time in my life, I had that feeling. You know, like the world is moving all around you, all beneath you, all inside you, and you’re floating. Floating in midair. And the only thing keeping you from drifting away is the other person’s eyes.

— Wendelin Van Draanen