not too cute.

how do i write this without sounding like a sad, wimpy, jealous and desperate(?) woman?

i don't think i can.

you know, i am happy - and i mean it - when i see friends settling down, one after another. and babies ... babies are the cutest things. those things make me the happiest. i swear. 

but to be honest, i've been thinking a lot about those, lately; a smile on his face, the soft silky babies skins ... and our home.

sad, wimpy, jealous and desperate(?) - maybe i am all that. oh get over it!





patience? it used to be a lot easier ... 

note to self.

when you saw something wrong and in your heart you knew it needed to stop. you did it; you silenced the demons in them and you made peace within yourself.

people might not like what you just did - they might even hate you after that - but that's life. do not second guess yourself, do not feel sorry - you did the right thing.

because in the end, it was never between you and them. it's you and Allah - always been and always will be.

night-time dialogue.

i'm trying to convince everyone
that i'm over you,
that i've moved on from you -
but i don't think they're buying it.

maybe i should, first, convince myself.
but at least i convinced you, right?

lately

i've been thinking about you

like people think about the clock ... 

five minutes before their shifts end.

i hope you're happy,

you deserve it; and

thank you ...

for everything.

i am not sleeping early tonight.

this is a snapshot, an ugly one. i slept from 4-8pm in the evening (had a bad dream) - and now i can't sleep. i was trying to write something but the more i tried the more i realized i wasn't born to write. oh well, moving on!

2014.

checked:

(1) the master plan was actually last year's plan but it finally went through - officially a postgrad on 15th january 2014.  now that i'm on my own, i realized how expensive education is financially, and physically (time, body and soul) - but it's fun - challenges are fun!

(2) i quit smoking. so this one was not expected - last year i reduced my daily 'dosage' - but on the 26th january 2014, i finally had it. i guess i was just tired of lying to myself.

(3) 29th january 2014 - i bought a new laptop. ok i have to ... for my education plan - and i have to say windows 8 is awesome!

(4) they said even the strongest slipped - so i kinda did. i had a serious meltdown, my emotions got the best of me - and it was all because of that one stupid movie. (25th january 2014)

(5) i exercise more frequently and this fact alone makes me so happy.

to do:

(1) lebih kenal dan dekat to Allah dan Rasulullah.

(2) now that i exercise more, i should probably start eating healthier again.

(3) by june 2014 - stop biting nails.

(4) by end 2014 - be a yoga and pilate practitioner.

(5) read at least one book per month.

(6) to introduce a man to my father (lol).

alhamdulillah. i know it started strong - but i don't want to get too excited. i'm keeping it as realistic as possible. i wanna feel each moment and to be there - feeling, tasting and breathing those moments. insyaAllah.

a short letter.

dear future husband,

i wonder what you’re doing right now. i wonder if i’ve met you yet. Allah, he's preparing us into these two strong individuals. you'll be a leader to me - and i'll be the mother to our children. i promise to be a good one.

i wonder what our weekends will be like and if you would be okay if i name our first pet 'betty' and if you love arts. i wonder if you like sitting in silence while getting lost in a book or your thoughts, too - and if you have a big smile.

you could be so many different things and i’m going to learn and love all of them. i hope you don't mind me writing about you one day ... like all the time.

i miss you. come home soon, okay?

something.

i wrote when i sad. i read somewhere that most writers do that - they write when they're sad. i don't think that's true though.

all right, maybe it's true - but i'd like to think that it's not.