lately

i've been thinking about you

like people think about the clock ... 

five minutes before their shifts end.

i hope you're happy,

you deserve it; and

thank you ...

for everything.

i am not sleeping early tonight.

this is a snapshot, an ugly one. i slept from 4-8pm in the evening (had a bad dream) - and now i can't sleep. i was trying to write something but the more i tried the more i realized i wasn't born to write. oh well, moving on!

2014.

checked:

(1) the master plan was actually last year's plan but it finally went through - officially a postgrad on 15th january 2014.  now that i'm on my own, i realized how expensive education is financially, and physically (time, body and soul) - but it's fun - challenges are fun!

(2) i quit smoking. so this one was not expected - last year i reduced my daily 'dosage' - but on the 26th january 2014, i finally had it. i guess i was just tired of lying to myself.

(3) 29th january 2014 - i bought a new laptop. ok i have to ... for my education plan - and i have to say windows 8 is awesome!

(4) they said even the strongest slipped - so i kinda did. i had a serious meltdown, my emotions got the best of me - and it was all because of that one stupid movie. (25th january 2014)

(5) i exercise more frequently and this fact alone makes me so happy.

to do:

(1) lebih kenal dan dekat to Allah dan Rasulullah.

(2) now that i exercise more, i should probably start eating healthier again.

(3) by june 2014 - stop biting nails.

(4) by end 2014 - be a yoga and pilate practitioner.

(5) read at least one book per month.

(6) to introduce a man to my father (lol).

alhamdulillah. i know it started strong - but i don't want to get too excited. i'm keeping it as realistic as possible. i wanna feel each moment and to be there - feeling, tasting and breathing those moments. insyaAllah.

a short letter.

dear future husband,

i wonder what you’re doing right now. i wonder if i’ve met you yet. Allah, he's preparing us into these two strong individuals. you'll be a leader to me - and i'll be the mother to our children. i promise to be a good one.

i wonder what our weekends will be like and if you would be okay if i name our first pet 'betty' and if you love arts. i wonder if you like sitting in silence while getting lost in a book or your thoughts, too - and if you have a big smile.

you could be so many different things and i’m going to learn and love all of them. i hope you don't mind me writing about you one day ... like all the time.

i miss you. come home soon, okay?

something.

i wrote when i sad. i read somewhere that most writers do that - they write when they're sad. i don't think that's true though.

all right, maybe it's true - but i'd like to think that it's not.

birthday post.

alhamdulillah, that was one of the good chapters ... if not the best one. i'm more self-assured and comfortable than i've ever been and i've so much to be thankful for.

some time ago i was reminded that your birthday is as much as your mother's day as it is yours. so ma, thank you (1000000x), i love you.

i'm 28. i got over the 'every-time-a-boy-pays-attention-to-me-i-fall-in-love-for-like-a-week' phase - and for that reason alone i know i'm in a much better place.

so here's to more new adventures and a greater bigger purpose to live and good things to receive and give. insyaAllah.

you in her.

when he secretly stared at her,
she hoped he gives her butterflies ...
she hoped he was you.

when he threw compliments,
she wished you were there
smiling proudly at her.

when he made jokes,
she knew you could make her laugh harder
without even trying to impress her.

when she caught his eyes,
she was thinking of how small
your eyes were when you smiled.

when he told her his stories,
she missed the story of the ocean,
and the ones you left behind.

when he stood close,
she imagined you -
and she took all of you in ... with her eyes closed.

when he told her his secret,
she told him she missed you -
and she hoped that you miss her too.

versus.

she's a morning person. every single day she wakes up with a smile brighter than the morning sun itself. she's a dreamer; she resets the reality of yesterdays - and she makes today a brand new day for her brand new dream.

he's not a morning person. he eats stupid people in the morning after he gives them his signature morning death stares. he doesn't reset the past - and he never think he can. he steps out of the house every morning with a pair of heavy shoulders, sets low expectations and walks cautiously ... afraid of the harshness of life. he doesn't talk about dreams in the morning.

she's not an evening person, he is. towards the end of each day, he's thankful he survived. she's on the other end sulks as she sees her dreams come undone.