fantasy.

the stories in my head
were better than my reality -
that was when i knew
it wasn't healthy.

5 seconds.

people have attention spans of 5 seconds,
most can talk - but they hardly listen.

5 seconds, that's all they can take...
before they are dead, again.

news.

bad people stories,
all over the media.
it makes you feel better,
talking theirs and not yours.

"she is wrecked,
thanks to that douche."
heroes and villains,
you're happy that you get to choose.

it's easier to pass judgements,
than to receive them.
so you keep on talking theirs,
and never yours.

walls.

she liked him;
he liked her.
but they were two broken souls,
they built walls, not bridges.

time had never been their strong suit.
he walked on hers,
and within his she fell deeper
than his heart would care to let him.

she didn't see it,
his mind was messed up.
he didn't see it,
he messed her up.

when words ran dry,
stagnant they stood
behind their castle walls,
with fearful eyes.

she liked him;
he liked her.
but it was not that simple-
love never was.

close.

it feels like-
i’m breathing with my stomach;
i’m thinking with my throat; and
i’m walking on my heart.

it had to be done.
it needed to stop.
and it’s okay,
we’ll be okay.

i’m trying really hard.
to breath with my lungs;
to think with my head; and
to walk on the ground, again.

i’m sorry.
i should go.

i used to write. i used to write things that made me gleam - they made me happy.

i went back, visiting my old posts. i was surprised, i did well (for my standard). i want to write more, i swear - but everytime i was thinking about it, i felt heavy, i was always doing something else.

today, i'm writing because i'm sinking. i'm sad, i have holes in my heart needed filling. some substances, i figured, so i write.

i fell. i care too much. i try to doubt the bad things, but i failed. no, don't get it wrong. i'm not broken. i just care too much, i'm worried. i'm anxiously worried.

monday, the last i've heard from him. he was scheduled to come home today, but it's almost 5pm, i've yet to hear from him. and it's normal to feel worried, right? (...especially when you care?)

everytime my phone beeped, i hope it's news. oh goodness, this is pretty weird, and it's pretty hard too.

i won't be telling him this. he doesn't need to know. he won't have to worry about me worrying about him. no, he deserves better. he deserves ... this secret.

and then there's this...

after seeing this, my doubt is gone. i love these people too much, i'd do anything for them.

old memories, new memories - i wanna keep doing them with these people. my family, my loves.

the bed.

"you know those beds, those therapeutic overpriced beds which are said to be good for your back?"

"yeah. like those in that movie, gigantic?"

"i'm sorry?"

"gigantic? zooey deschanel and paul dano? she spent a few hours sleeping on one of his expensive beds in his beds shop?"

"..."

"no?"

"erm no..."

"it's...oh nevermind! so what's with those beds?"

"so, wait? should i check the movie out later?"

"i don't know. i didn't get to finish it. it was a little too dreary?"

"oh..."

"no no. a little dreary for my liking, but it was ok...i guess."

"oh ok."

"ok whatever. now, tell me..."

"it's actually nothing. nothing too important..."

"but you can't-get-it-off-your-head kind of nothing-too-important thing?"

"(chuckled) maybe, i guess...like sort of. i don't know."

"..."

"oh fuck it, yes! i can't stop, yes!"

"you can't get the beds off your head?"

"yeah yeah, those beds, those overpriced but really great beds. you need one for your back and at the time you just can't afford one..."

"because your back is hurting. and it really hurts..."

"yes oh my god yes! it's killing you. you know, those back pains, they're bitches."

"(groaned) yeah. that bitch you wish you could slap so hard hoping that it would just go away after..."

"...yeah."

"and..."


"and...here you are standing in front of it, staring at the 'do not sit' warning on the bed, just below the price display board - sighing heavy long breaths, feeling defeated, thinking if only you could just stay in it for 2 minutes and soak in its goodness. you know?"

"hmm..."

"you just can't afford it, you know. you can't even afford to sit on it for a while because you fear that they would blow a whistle on you, asking you all sorts of questions. you are too weak for that, your back is hurting..."

"hold back by our fears, yes, that. but you know you could save up money for it? it might take awhile but..."


"that's the thing. while standing and staring, your mind is overshadowed by your heart's desire - telling you things like 'make the decision now!', 'what's your next move?', 'oh god look at that bed!', 'don't wait, do something!' - like when a salesperson is pitching you on his products, he'd use 'urgency', you know. like you need to do something now, like right now. right there, right then, don't even breath..."

"yeah. so...what are you gonna do about it?"

"i don't know. tell me..."

"well, A, save up and buy the bed. and B, walk away, find a cheaper bed that does the same thing."

"i could do A. i could save up money. yeah, sure...but, am i willing to invest my time, saving up for it?"

"..."

"they said love fades, in most cases. it's a lot stronger in the beginning, almost too strong...and that they always look right in the beginning. but then one day you'd look back and wonder what happened to it, where did it go...just like that movie 'blue valentine' - it's really sad but...it's the reality.

(silent)

what i'm saying is, what if one day, while saving, my back pain killed me, and i died. or i found this really awesome thrift store, and spent almost half of the money there and that the bed wouldn't matter anymore, because i found something better to love...

(longer silent)

it's just...time can backfire. time opens up possibilities you never would've imagine. it can either strengthen or deteriorate dreams, you know. and the unpredictability of it all scares the shit out of me. because you really like this bed, there's no better bed, and you know this because you've been looking for too long. you feel like you deserve it, and that you belong together...but right now, it's here in front of you. it's so close yet so out of reach. it's infuriating..."

"it sucks, but it doesn't have to be so well thought of. maybe you're over thinking a little here. maybe you're too hard on yourself. if it's that hard for you, you still have option B?"

"would you choose B?"

"walk away from my dream bed? yes, well maybe after i stare at it for a few more hours..."

"..."

"look. it's ok for me to walk away, because i don't have the back pain. it won't hurt me as much..."

"right..."

"we are just talking about a bed, right?"


"would you walk away from your dream?"

"(thinking hard, forehead lines visible)"

"you look so funny right now i wish i have my camera with me... (laughed)"

"(serious) you know what...i would! if it's been too hard, wanting it for far too long...i would. i wouldn't wanna waste anymore of my time thinking about something that obviously isn't meant to be mine, from the start. because just like feelings, these wants, these cravings, they aren't permanent right? maybe you're just in love with the idea of that thing, and not with it, you know. like you're blinded by the price. just because it's expensive doesn't make it that great, you know, maybe better than most but...does that make sense?"

"i guess..."

"feel better? ready to make your call?"

"maybe. i don't know. maybe i should you know, stare at it for a while longer..."

"hmm, ok. i got your back..."

"wanna join me stare at it? maybe this time it would actually speak to me. and if that happens, i'd get myself some loans, and spend the rest of my life with it. but until then..."

"until then, we stare. we just stand here and stare..."

"thank you."

"you are welcome.

(silent)

and since you just mentioned it, maybe later we could re-watch blue valentine. i kinda miss it..."

"yeah? yeah, we should. their sex scenes will definitely make me feel so much better..."

"..."

"i can't wait."

"for what?"

"to find the answer."