Monday, May 26, 2014

i'm baked.

i've been baking ... a lot. almost every day, for the past few weeks - and i've gained a lot of weight ever since too. which is depressing to think about - so yesterday i decided that i need to 'seriously' stop. but then i started thinking about the cream cheese and the whip cream that i just bought - so i need to do something with that first, before i stop; before i make myself hate baking ... for a bit.

i'm trying to cope with my study - i just started. a lot of new unfamiliar terms. i just found out what it is exactly - and it's much more interesting than i've expected. i'm studying behavioral learning that involves a lot of studies on cognitive psychology. i'm like 'oh my god i'm so gonna be really struggling but so happy at the same time!'. dreams do come true.

and i've been applying for a new job too. and i'm not thinking kuching, anymore. i can't stay - i do not have an exact reason of why - but i know i can't stay. my first interview will be this friday, at bangsar south.

i'm excited, i tell you that. but i'm scared, really scared. my dad was informed, but i'm pretty sure he's not totally not ok with it. and mom, i'm not there yet - but i'm sure how that will turn out to be. not pretty - but i'll be okay. couple of tears shed is nothing in comparison to the future right? right.

if i want to do this, i'm going to be strong - really strong on my own. so, do you still wonder why i've been baking alot? i thought it was an escape - but no it's not. it's something else.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014


at the airport, on the way home, there was this couple sitting a few seats away from me. they were obviously still in love with each other - they were always taking selfies, together. i thought they were cute, annoyingly cute.

and there i was - thinking that i wanted to do that too ... with you - and annoy the shit out of everybody.

i decided that night, i wanted you. you, just you - and it all made sense. it's just that ... i wish that you'd want that too.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

a happy fight.

we were at the reservoir park, and the guy in the orange kicks parked next to my car. with him there, i really enjoyed my run.

we were again at the reservoir park - and this time my car got broken into. i lost my phone and i'm getting too ... paranoid. *yesterday, for the first time ever, i went shopping carrying two laptops.

i wore pretty clothes - to celebrate the things that i do have. i braced myself - and went for another run at a different venue, the pustaka kuching.

rest day ... cheat day. i ate kfc breasts for dinner - and i vomited. lately, i can't keep my food down.

i went for a run at the pustaka kuching - and i saw the guy in the orange kicks. i was the happiest jogger.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014


whenever i was with a company - a close one or someone new, i talked a lot - with a few short pauses in between.

i just realized this quite recently - and it took me a while to try to understand why... 

i've been in many situations where i was left with silences. people should know that soundless doesn't equal painless. soundless equals emptiness equals 'you're not worth explaining to' equals ... pain.

i hate sitting in silence ... waiting in vain. i hate it.

Monday, February 10, 2014

not too cute.

how do i write this without sounding like a sad, wimpy, jealous and desperate(?) woman?

i don't think i can.

you know, i am happy - and i mean it - when i see friends settling down, one after another. and babies ... babies are the cutest things. those things make me the happiest. i swear. 

but to be honest, i've been thinking a lot about those, lately; a smile on his face, the soft silky babies skins ... and our home.

sad, wimpy, jealous and desperate(?) - maybe i am all that. oh get over it!

patience? it used to be a lot easier ... 

Saturday, February 8, 2014

note to self.

when you saw something wrong and in your heart you knew it needed to stop. you did it; you silenced the demons in them and you made peace within yourself.

people might not like what you just did - they might even hate you after that - but that's life. do not second guess yourself, do not feel sorry - you did the right thing.

because in the end, it was never between you and them. it's you and Allah - always been and always will be.

Monday, February 3, 2014

night-time dialogue.

i'm trying to convince everyone
that i'm over you,
that i've moved on from you -
but i don't think they're buying it.

maybe i should, first, convince myself.
but at least i convinced you, right?


i've been thinking about you
like people think about the clock ... 
five minutes before their shifts end.
i hope you're happy,
you deserve it; and
thank you ...
for everything.